I was working on budgets for work, it’s that time of year again. I got great news about a friend I used to work closely with and how he is moving to the Chicago area. That really makes me happy. Then as I listened to my play-list on here, Purple Rain comes on. I don’t know why but my mind is drifting to my family a lot these days. I miss my mother a lot and a lot more than I ever thought I would.
My wife spoke about my brother and sisters the other day and it got me to thinking, why are they so stupid and why did they go the route they did. I tried to work with them and love them and they allowed the world to get in the way. It’s very sad that the things they chose they feel are more important than their family. I can never fathom having something that I love more than my family: Something that would keep me from them or make them think they were better off not being around me.
My first two children knew them and got to experience some life with them before they went too far. They did enjoy the time they got with them but miss them as well. They don’t remember my mother much. And now I have a new daughter and a wonderful wife that never knew any of them. A whole family that they will never get to experience the joy and love they had to offer. It saddens me. And I sit and get this way at times and always when Purple Rain comes on I get the feeling Momma is talking to me and saying it’s all right.
For those that don’t know, Purple Rain was my mother’s favorite song and she had it played at her funeral. It was a hard time to get it played as many family members, you know the ones, they come around when someone dies and try to act like they know best about a person they interacted with once a year at best. I got it played. And it caused so many to experience what my Mom was about. Even in her death she told everyone she only wanted to see everyone happy and laughing. She didn’t want to cause any problems and just wanted to experience life with the people she loved. So I hear that song and it reminds me how she lived. Her life was shortened because of it I am certain, but I also feel her near when it comes on.
So I work on my budget and muddle through trying not to cry while I am at work. I think of my daughter and how she clings to me when she needs comfort and how she looks at me to make sure I am okay. She pats me on the shoulder and lays her head on it as she hugs me. And I can feel at times it’s not for her benefit as much as it is for mine like she can sense me thinking something that upsets me.
Now I don’t want to sound melodramatic or bipolar: I’m not sitting around drumming up sadness and thinking all depressed all the time. Just occasionally I see my daughter playing and think, my mother never got to see her. And here I have three living extensions of my mother and they can’t either. And I wont even begin to comment on my father’s side and how that is strained. Either way, there are many people that will never benefit from the love my daughter has to offer. But that just means more for me!
Back to work. Back to life and remembering as I try not to make the same mistakes my mother did but make the same good decisions. My family will miss me for not being around, not for the things I missed out on with them.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Remembering Momma
Sat up tonight and found a bunch of new songs that remind me of my childhood and my mother. All the different tastes and sounds I got from her.
I miss you Momma. I know make mistakes every now and then but I hope I make you proud. I hope I do the things you taught me: the things a man is supposed to do for his family. I hope I give at least half the love you gave me.
Every time I hear Purple Rain or Comfortably Numb, I know you’re watching.
All your grand babies are growing up. You have the new one we introduced you too before we left Tennessee. You seemed happy with her and my new wife. I don’t know how any of this stuff works in the world but when I cant be there for them, please step in and take care of them like you did me.
I miss you Momma. I know make mistakes every now and then but I hope I make you proud. I hope I do the things you taught me: the things a man is supposed to do for his family. I hope I give at least half the love you gave me.
Every time I hear Purple Rain or Comfortably Numb, I know you’re watching.
All your grand babies are growing up. You have the new one we introduced you too before we left Tennessee. You seemed happy with her and my new wife. I don’t know how any of this stuff works in the world but when I cant be there for them, please step in and take care of them like you did me.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Homage to my Daughter and the Change in the man I am
Today my daughter made me cry again. I had an email I had to work on and send out before Monday. I had forgotten to do it at the office so I figured after dinner I can do while everyone is winding down and doing their own thing. My daughter, a beautiful little two year old, has been very clingy with me lately and I am loving every minute. She doesn’t fuss at me as much anymore when she doesn’t get her way. But she can still be a pill when she wants to. But recently, she has definitely been much better and actually I think adorable.
Everyday she does something different that makes me smile and feel so proud of her. She has been picking up words and phrases all the time. The White Sox phrase mentioned in an earlier post is just one of the many. Her mother has taught her to say Go White Sox! And Peyton Manning! She is really turning loose on the vocabulary. She isn’t just saying the phrases either she is understanding what they are and pointing them out to us. So I don’t want to miss any opportunity of hearing her discover and tell us what it is she is saying or thinking.
So today, I sat in the floor with my laptop working on my email when she sidled over to check out my screen as she usually does. Most of the time I am playing some game that has animals in it and she likes to watch them move. Of course since this is work, she wouldn’t see that.
She quietly sat by me for a little while relaxing while I typed away. I normally hold her on my lap at night to go to sleep if she doesn’t feel like fighting sleep anyway. When she does that, she usually rotates between Mom and me.
So today she is sitting next to me and I am working and I look down and saw her laying there next to me in the floor so sweet. She was just watching me and being the best little girl and waiting for me.
This isn’t much for someone to be looking on and see but let me explain my mindset. I have a few problems. My first two children I definitely spent too much time away and at work. They grew up well and were in no way neglected but there are things I wish I had been there for and things I wish I had done. So many things I feel I could have handled better and not been such an ass. I could have been to them what I am to my baby.
One of my problems is I am older and I cherish things more now as well as understand them so much better. So when I see her wanting me or needing me, I cant let myself hesitate or put her off. I don’t want to miss anything this time.
I see her laying there in the floor beside me being so still and not bothering Daddy and being a good girl and I just had to cry. She was being so good to not disturb me and I felt so selfish and little for her having the feeling that she couldn’t be with her Daddy when she wanted. It hurt my heart to think of her wanting to be with me, so close there and she couldn’t do what she wanted.
I got up and sat in my chair and asked her if she wanted to sit with me and she got up immediately and started babbling about sitting with daddy and watching the football game. She got in my lap and lay with her head on my chest and relaxed till she went to sleep. I kissed her head a hundred times and rubbed her arm as she lay there with me. There is no way I could allow myself to let anything come between what she wanted and what I could give her. An email can wait. I’ll be up later when she’s asleep. It can wait.
I watched her sleep in my arms for a bit and saw her cute little face as it lay there eyes closed and mouth all pursed in thought, and thought to myself, one day she will need me and I’m not going to be there. I am older and with my family’s health history I am trying to do better so I can be around longer but I don’t know for sure. I do know that there will come a day when I am not here, and my baby will be needing me just like I needed my mother and I won’t be there. That hurts me inside so badly so when I see a moment where I can wrap her up in a bundle and set her on my lap and let her just enjoy the simplest pleasure of being with her daddy I am taking it!
It hurt to think this way; it was painful but I have to let the truth reside and understand it. I have to know these things, but keep them from her so she can get through them when the times come.
My baby is getting older and one day she won’t want to sit on my lap. She won’t want that long hug and snuggling like she does now. But what will be more painful to me is knowing that one day, I won’t be here when she does want that kind of comfort. So I elate every time I grab her in my arms.
I truly believe this little girl is loved more than anyone has ever been loved in my family ever. I can’t imagine or know that my mother, grandmother or other relation every thought this way about me or anyone of my relatives. I don’t recall feeling this strong of a tug from them as this baby has to know is coming from me.
I have had dreams of my oldest son that irk me and keep me in pain for some time. I have often talked about it with them and with my wife. How he is standing on the edge of a stormy lake, the wind blowing cold and he has his hands in his pockets trying to keep warm. And I get the sense that he is all alone. I am not in the world anymore and he has no one to turn to for support. He is looking out across the lake with such a cold despairing look in his eye as if nothing matters anymore. I can feel the pain and abandoned feeling he exudes as he stands there and the waves crash on the shore. I want to tell him he’s wrong and everything will be fine but he doesn’t know I am around him. He just stares and contemplates the waves in the cold all alone. My soul sinks when I dream this dream and if I ever apply it to the other children it still makes me cry and want to do better for them than I did before.
My baby is asleep now. And no doubt she will do something annoying that will wake me up but I love her so much. Aggravating at times, annoying, pill, hussy, whatever you want to call her. She’s mine and she’s wonderful. I want to be all things to her that I can while I can so she will have wonderful memories of our time together. I want her to have such memories that when I am not here to provide that comfort she wants, she can close her eyes and remember when I did. She can close her eyes and say my name and know my love is with her forever no matter what she does or who she becomes.
I love you my little girl. Those words mean nothing compared to the emotion they feebly attempt to describe and I know from conversations with your mother I am not the only one. You changed this man drastically from the heel he was before. Maybe that was your lot in life to make me bearable and learn how to love the right way.
Thank you to my wonderful wife for bringing her in the world to us. You went through so much to do it and I hope you feel as I do that it was worth everything we went through.
Everyday she does something different that makes me smile and feel so proud of her. She has been picking up words and phrases all the time. The White Sox phrase mentioned in an earlier post is just one of the many. Her mother has taught her to say Go White Sox! And Peyton Manning! She is really turning loose on the vocabulary. She isn’t just saying the phrases either she is understanding what they are and pointing them out to us. So I don’t want to miss any opportunity of hearing her discover and tell us what it is she is saying or thinking.
So today, I sat in the floor with my laptop working on my email when she sidled over to check out my screen as she usually does. Most of the time I am playing some game that has animals in it and she likes to watch them move. Of course since this is work, she wouldn’t see that.
She quietly sat by me for a little while relaxing while I typed away. I normally hold her on my lap at night to go to sleep if she doesn’t feel like fighting sleep anyway. When she does that, she usually rotates between Mom and me.
So today she is sitting next to me and I am working and I look down and saw her laying there next to me in the floor so sweet. She was just watching me and being the best little girl and waiting for me.
This isn’t much for someone to be looking on and see but let me explain my mindset. I have a few problems. My first two children I definitely spent too much time away and at work. They grew up well and were in no way neglected but there are things I wish I had been there for and things I wish I had done. So many things I feel I could have handled better and not been such an ass. I could have been to them what I am to my baby.
One of my problems is I am older and I cherish things more now as well as understand them so much better. So when I see her wanting me or needing me, I cant let myself hesitate or put her off. I don’t want to miss anything this time.
I see her laying there in the floor beside me being so still and not bothering Daddy and being a good girl and I just had to cry. She was being so good to not disturb me and I felt so selfish and little for her having the feeling that she couldn’t be with her Daddy when she wanted. It hurt my heart to think of her wanting to be with me, so close there and she couldn’t do what she wanted.
I got up and sat in my chair and asked her if she wanted to sit with me and she got up immediately and started babbling about sitting with daddy and watching the football game. She got in my lap and lay with her head on my chest and relaxed till she went to sleep. I kissed her head a hundred times and rubbed her arm as she lay there with me. There is no way I could allow myself to let anything come between what she wanted and what I could give her. An email can wait. I’ll be up later when she’s asleep. It can wait.
I watched her sleep in my arms for a bit and saw her cute little face as it lay there eyes closed and mouth all pursed in thought, and thought to myself, one day she will need me and I’m not going to be there. I am older and with my family’s health history I am trying to do better so I can be around longer but I don’t know for sure. I do know that there will come a day when I am not here, and my baby will be needing me just like I needed my mother and I won’t be there. That hurts me inside so badly so when I see a moment where I can wrap her up in a bundle and set her on my lap and let her just enjoy the simplest pleasure of being with her daddy I am taking it!
It hurt to think this way; it was painful but I have to let the truth reside and understand it. I have to know these things, but keep them from her so she can get through them when the times come.
My baby is getting older and one day she won’t want to sit on my lap. She won’t want that long hug and snuggling like she does now. But what will be more painful to me is knowing that one day, I won’t be here when she does want that kind of comfort. So I elate every time I grab her in my arms.
I truly believe this little girl is loved more than anyone has ever been loved in my family ever. I can’t imagine or know that my mother, grandmother or other relation every thought this way about me or anyone of my relatives. I don’t recall feeling this strong of a tug from them as this baby has to know is coming from me.
I have had dreams of my oldest son that irk me and keep me in pain for some time. I have often talked about it with them and with my wife. How he is standing on the edge of a stormy lake, the wind blowing cold and he has his hands in his pockets trying to keep warm. And I get the sense that he is all alone. I am not in the world anymore and he has no one to turn to for support. He is looking out across the lake with such a cold despairing look in his eye as if nothing matters anymore. I can feel the pain and abandoned feeling he exudes as he stands there and the waves crash on the shore. I want to tell him he’s wrong and everything will be fine but he doesn’t know I am around him. He just stares and contemplates the waves in the cold all alone. My soul sinks when I dream this dream and if I ever apply it to the other children it still makes me cry and want to do better for them than I did before.
My baby is asleep now. And no doubt she will do something annoying that will wake me up but I love her so much. Aggravating at times, annoying, pill, hussy, whatever you want to call her. She’s mine and she’s wonderful. I want to be all things to her that I can while I can so she will have wonderful memories of our time together. I want her to have such memories that when I am not here to provide that comfort she wants, she can close her eyes and remember when I did. She can close her eyes and say my name and know my love is with her forever no matter what she does or who she becomes.
I love you my little girl. Those words mean nothing compared to the emotion they feebly attempt to describe and I know from conversations with your mother I am not the only one. You changed this man drastically from the heel he was before. Maybe that was your lot in life to make me bearable and learn how to love the right way.
Thank you to my wonderful wife for bringing her in the world to us. You went through so much to do it and I hope you feel as I do that it was worth everything we went through.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Traffic, White Sox and Life
Travel and Chicago
Well, let me just say that Chicago has continued to surprise me. I knew moving here that traffic would be bad. I have lived and visited many places where traffic is bad. I mean I have been to San Diego, San Jose, San Francisco, San Antonio (And many other San areas) as well as St. Louis, Detroit, Tulsa, Dallas, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and even new York and London, England: But I can honestly say with authority that the traffic to and from Chicago yesterday was the worst I have ever experienced in my life anywhere in the world.
I trekked out yesterday to see a White Sox game with my son and some coworkers. Love the White Sox and I always have. So it was great that I could go see a day game in the middle of the week during a series they should win too. We left and after only 15 minutes of traveling, we ran into our first traffic jam. Now it is the middle of the week and middle of the day. Traffic should not be that bad. I use my GPS and get a detour, which takes us a little less time than it would have sitting in the traffic. In addition, we were moving so the wind was a nice feeling with no AC in my truck.
After the game traffic conditions were even worse. After I had talked to a few friends there, I discovered it was just a weird traffic day. All routes into the city were jammed packed. No wrecks really to speak of, no construction hogging up lanes and the weather, yeah it got nasty but that was well after the traffic nastiness.
Every route into and out of the city was just bogged down. Movement was less than fifteen MPH and it was starting to get humid with storms pushing into the area. We had the windows up most of the way, no AC and just humid air blowing on us. Miserable conditions inside that truck let me tell you. A mobile rain forest is all I can use to compare the experience.
I want a Discovery channel episode on why these traffic phenomena occur. How can we be driving along so slow we barely move then all of a sudden it all opens up and there is nothing in the way causing the jam? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
The traffic problem was so bad; by the time I had made it home, I forgot most of the game. It felt like it was last month or something and I could just remember a few things. I was so focused on the annoyance and wonderment of the traffic I felt like I was at the stadium for a sit down and left. I mean the amount of time I spent driving is what it takes to drive from Knoxville to Nashville and I was only thirty miles away from home. Wow!
The Game
Now we got to the game a little late of course. Missed the first home run that made it 1 nothing Sox, but that’s okay. We had great seats as they were just right of the 3rd base line fowl pole: right in territory where we could get a ball. As a matter of fact, every home run came within a few rows of us except one. We had a couple of fouls come in on us as well. One went to the upper tier and bounced back down and landed two rows away. So all in all the game was a very cool game to see.
Now a couple of things I love to do when I am out is watch people and interact to some degree. One has to be careful with this one especially in a large metropolitan area. So at the game I met this very nice older lady and her husband. I would say they were well into their eighties. She had brought an umbrella for the sun as it was hot when the game first started. Her husband was holding it for her the entire time too. The sweetest thing I had seen in a long time.
I sat down next to her and she greeted me very politely “Good afternoon sir. Wonderful day for a ball game isn’t it?”
I have to tell you that was such a refreshing welcome from the current standard of just sitting next to someone and never interacting. And I tend to get along with the elderly much better. I always have. When I was a teenager, I and a few of my friends spent most of our time with adults. We wanted to learn how to do things and why things were the way they were and hear the stories about how things used to be. It was fascinating and still is.
I love to sit and talk and hear stories of what older folks did when they were young. How they worked, went to school and played. These are some of the best indicators of how life has changed and how we rely on different things. How we have evolved and become who we are based on tools and technology.
So this game was a perfect example. I had sat down aggravated and sweaty from the drive and not ready to enjoy the game as much as I thought. I had already missed half of the first inning and the first home run so I was sour. But then this sweet old lady and her husband speak to me with the kindness and welcoming attitude I have missed so long from my childhood.
I responded back “It is a truly wonderful day for a baseball game. And hopefully this will be a good one and we win too.” I responded that way immediately even though just seconds before I was a grouch. My mood lifted that much.
As we sat there I expected more conversation however, this lady was up on her ball game. She knew the rules and the atmosphere and definitely kept up with the standings. She called out names and chastised the pitcher when he threw what she thought was the wrong pitch. She praised the batters that stood in and played admirably and chastised the ones that didn’t pay attention. I tell you I could have had this woman sit and watch a game with me any time anywhere. She believes in the old way of baseball, having respect for your opponent, playing hard and smart, paying attention and doing what’s right. It was so good to see.
At one point she got up to go to the restroom. She folded her umbrella and handed it to her husband to watch while she was gone. She was gone for half an inning. I looked over at the man and asked is he wanted me to go check on her and right then she began to walk down the deck. He thanked me and began to open the umbrella.
She sat down and told him to put it away since the clouds were coming in. She was afraid she was going to poke me in the eye with one of the ribs.
I made sure she knew she was fine to keep her umbrella up all she wanted. I used it as a marker for my wife to see if she could spot us on TV anyway. It was the only umbrella in the place.
After she sat down, she looked at the score board and saw the White Sox hit another home run and said, “I should go more often when we bat, we might win this thing.”
I said, “Yes ma’am, but when you left they hit one too so that might not work out so well.”
She laughed at me and patted my leg and her husband was laughing too. I could have sat all day with them and watched this game and talked. They were so nice. And to see the two of them, dressed up so neatly, sharing something with each other that was such a stressful event for me to go to being at least half there age, made me ashamed I had thought the way I did about my travel to the park.
The game was a half inning out of being done by now. The Royals were getting ready for their last at bat and the Sox changed pitchers to their best closer. The music came on and as I looked around the stadium, I could see many people had left since the deficit was pretty much insurmountable for this Kansas City team. However, get into a bad pitch rotation and you got a tie game.
So Jenks comes out to pitch, gets to a 3-2 count and my new friends are chastising away. “Come on now, you throw better than that! Throw one f those pretty ones that drops right when he swings at it!”
I said, “You mean a sinker?”
“That’s it. Throw that sinker and set him down!”
He does just that and the batter strikes out. They are now playing this song I can’t remember the name of but says BOOM BOOM in it. It’s metal song and I look a few rows down and see this little boy with a sox short on, he may be 5 years old. He has his glove and he’s doing the Metal hand sign up in the air to the beat as Jenks pitches. Everyone is standing and you can see his dad laughing with him and patting him on the head while he throws his hand in the air in support. It made me think of my little girl and how she is just now beginning to speak well. One of the things she says is White Sox. She can spot the symbol and point it out and Mom taught her to say Go White Sox yesterday while they watched the game at home. Then one day, maybe I’ll have another son I can take to the park and watch his eyes light up when he sees that grass for the first time and the immense proportions of the outfield as that little ball gets smashed into the air at a young tanned man that has the privilege to play a game for a living. Such are the thoughts that conjure up to dreams as you watch people and EXPERIENCE a ball game, not just watch it.
Now back to the game: Jenks gets out of the inning and the White Sox win.
My friends say good bye as they depart toward the deck and we wait for the crowd to thin so we could leave.
I will not dwell on the traffic situation anymore. I wrote about that debacle in the first section so it could only e referred to. It is now a memory and a bad one that almost ruined my good memories of home runs within reach and a glimpse of the goodness of the past when strangers could sit at a ball park and be united as one in thought, presence and conversation over such a simple subject as baseball.
If I am privileged enough to live to that age and be near something I love as much as they loved sharing that baseball experience with this stranger, I want to give the same experience and feeling of welcome to someone that chooses to interact with me. That lady reminded me that we all have something to give and sometimes it costs nothing.
Well, let me just say that Chicago has continued to surprise me. I knew moving here that traffic would be bad. I have lived and visited many places where traffic is bad. I mean I have been to San Diego, San Jose, San Francisco, San Antonio (And many other San areas) as well as St. Louis, Detroit, Tulsa, Dallas, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and even new York and London, England: But I can honestly say with authority that the traffic to and from Chicago yesterday was the worst I have ever experienced in my life anywhere in the world.
I trekked out yesterday to see a White Sox game with my son and some coworkers. Love the White Sox and I always have. So it was great that I could go see a day game in the middle of the week during a series they should win too. We left and after only 15 minutes of traveling, we ran into our first traffic jam. Now it is the middle of the week and middle of the day. Traffic should not be that bad. I use my GPS and get a detour, which takes us a little less time than it would have sitting in the traffic. In addition, we were moving so the wind was a nice feeling with no AC in my truck.
After the game traffic conditions were even worse. After I had talked to a few friends there, I discovered it was just a weird traffic day. All routes into the city were jammed packed. No wrecks really to speak of, no construction hogging up lanes and the weather, yeah it got nasty but that was well after the traffic nastiness.
Every route into and out of the city was just bogged down. Movement was less than fifteen MPH and it was starting to get humid with storms pushing into the area. We had the windows up most of the way, no AC and just humid air blowing on us. Miserable conditions inside that truck let me tell you. A mobile rain forest is all I can use to compare the experience.
I want a Discovery channel episode on why these traffic phenomena occur. How can we be driving along so slow we barely move then all of a sudden it all opens up and there is nothing in the way causing the jam? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!
The traffic problem was so bad; by the time I had made it home, I forgot most of the game. It felt like it was last month or something and I could just remember a few things. I was so focused on the annoyance and wonderment of the traffic I felt like I was at the stadium for a sit down and left. I mean the amount of time I spent driving is what it takes to drive from Knoxville to Nashville and I was only thirty miles away from home. Wow!
The Game
Now we got to the game a little late of course. Missed the first home run that made it 1 nothing Sox, but that’s okay. We had great seats as they were just right of the 3rd base line fowl pole: right in territory where we could get a ball. As a matter of fact, every home run came within a few rows of us except one. We had a couple of fouls come in on us as well. One went to the upper tier and bounced back down and landed two rows away. So all in all the game was a very cool game to see.
Now a couple of things I love to do when I am out is watch people and interact to some degree. One has to be careful with this one especially in a large metropolitan area. So at the game I met this very nice older lady and her husband. I would say they were well into their eighties. She had brought an umbrella for the sun as it was hot when the game first started. Her husband was holding it for her the entire time too. The sweetest thing I had seen in a long time.
I sat down next to her and she greeted me very politely “Good afternoon sir. Wonderful day for a ball game isn’t it?”
I have to tell you that was such a refreshing welcome from the current standard of just sitting next to someone and never interacting. And I tend to get along with the elderly much better. I always have. When I was a teenager, I and a few of my friends spent most of our time with adults. We wanted to learn how to do things and why things were the way they were and hear the stories about how things used to be. It was fascinating and still is.
I love to sit and talk and hear stories of what older folks did when they were young. How they worked, went to school and played. These are some of the best indicators of how life has changed and how we rely on different things. How we have evolved and become who we are based on tools and technology.
So this game was a perfect example. I had sat down aggravated and sweaty from the drive and not ready to enjoy the game as much as I thought. I had already missed half of the first inning and the first home run so I was sour. But then this sweet old lady and her husband speak to me with the kindness and welcoming attitude I have missed so long from my childhood.
I responded back “It is a truly wonderful day for a baseball game. And hopefully this will be a good one and we win too.” I responded that way immediately even though just seconds before I was a grouch. My mood lifted that much.
As we sat there I expected more conversation however, this lady was up on her ball game. She knew the rules and the atmosphere and definitely kept up with the standings. She called out names and chastised the pitcher when he threw what she thought was the wrong pitch. She praised the batters that stood in and played admirably and chastised the ones that didn’t pay attention. I tell you I could have had this woman sit and watch a game with me any time anywhere. She believes in the old way of baseball, having respect for your opponent, playing hard and smart, paying attention and doing what’s right. It was so good to see.
At one point she got up to go to the restroom. She folded her umbrella and handed it to her husband to watch while she was gone. She was gone for half an inning. I looked over at the man and asked is he wanted me to go check on her and right then she began to walk down the deck. He thanked me and began to open the umbrella.
She sat down and told him to put it away since the clouds were coming in. She was afraid she was going to poke me in the eye with one of the ribs.
I made sure she knew she was fine to keep her umbrella up all she wanted. I used it as a marker for my wife to see if she could spot us on TV anyway. It was the only umbrella in the place.
After she sat down, she looked at the score board and saw the White Sox hit another home run and said, “I should go more often when we bat, we might win this thing.”
I said, “Yes ma’am, but when you left they hit one too so that might not work out so well.”
She laughed at me and patted my leg and her husband was laughing too. I could have sat all day with them and watched this game and talked. They were so nice. And to see the two of them, dressed up so neatly, sharing something with each other that was such a stressful event for me to go to being at least half there age, made me ashamed I had thought the way I did about my travel to the park.
The game was a half inning out of being done by now. The Royals were getting ready for their last at bat and the Sox changed pitchers to their best closer. The music came on and as I looked around the stadium, I could see many people had left since the deficit was pretty much insurmountable for this Kansas City team. However, get into a bad pitch rotation and you got a tie game.
So Jenks comes out to pitch, gets to a 3-2 count and my new friends are chastising away. “Come on now, you throw better than that! Throw one f those pretty ones that drops right when he swings at it!”
I said, “You mean a sinker?”
“That’s it. Throw that sinker and set him down!”
He does just that and the batter strikes out. They are now playing this song I can’t remember the name of but says BOOM BOOM in it. It’s metal song and I look a few rows down and see this little boy with a sox short on, he may be 5 years old. He has his glove and he’s doing the Metal hand sign up in the air to the beat as Jenks pitches. Everyone is standing and you can see his dad laughing with him and patting him on the head while he throws his hand in the air in support. It made me think of my little girl and how she is just now beginning to speak well. One of the things she says is White Sox. She can spot the symbol and point it out and Mom taught her to say Go White Sox yesterday while they watched the game at home. Then one day, maybe I’ll have another son I can take to the park and watch his eyes light up when he sees that grass for the first time and the immense proportions of the outfield as that little ball gets smashed into the air at a young tanned man that has the privilege to play a game for a living. Such are the thoughts that conjure up to dreams as you watch people and EXPERIENCE a ball game, not just watch it.
Now back to the game: Jenks gets out of the inning and the White Sox win.
My friends say good bye as they depart toward the deck and we wait for the crowd to thin so we could leave.
I will not dwell on the traffic situation anymore. I wrote about that debacle in the first section so it could only e referred to. It is now a memory and a bad one that almost ruined my good memories of home runs within reach and a glimpse of the goodness of the past when strangers could sit at a ball park and be united as one in thought, presence and conversation over such a simple subject as baseball.
If I am privileged enough to live to that age and be near something I love as much as they loved sharing that baseball experience with this stranger, I want to give the same experience and feeling of welcome to someone that chooses to interact with me. That lady reminded me that we all have something to give and sometimes it costs nothing.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Storms About Town...
I was sitting watching TV yesterday and a storm is blowing in to the neighborhood. It was getting dark, the wind was blowing and off in the distance I could hear thunder rolling. The thunder got louder as it approached and I could tell this was going to be a good one.
As I sat there and the storm got closer, a loud clap of thunder roared just above our house. The walls shook and the scared dogs ran into the small rooms of the house as if it would protect them further from harm. Relaxing now since I like storms, I began to lull in my chair and drift off to a nap. I had finished my paper, the house was quiet and with a thunderstorm was in the area: I was thinking “What a perfect Sunday.” CRACK! The walls shook again, a clap of thunder roared through the house and the TV popped and blinked as did the lights. Our house had been hit by lightning.
I looked at the TV and it had been reduced to the RGB colors that make it a color TV set: The only problem was it was green in the right corner, blue in the left and red on the bottom. Then the middle was a purple color I had only seen in a MS Windows color scheme called eggplant.
I turned the TV off as I sat sad now knowing I would have to watch the small TV from the bedroom since this one was fried. I let the TV sit and relax for awhile while I checked out the rest of the house. All but upstairs seemed fine. I had not checked upstairs because the baby and my wife were asleep in a nap.
I turned the TV back on and it was actually repaired. The lights had gone back to normal and the set was working fine again. I was very pleased. One reason was we do not have the money to shell out for another TV right now. Moreover, the other was this TV has been active since around 1996 and has been through so much already and weathered well. It is still a great TV set.
So later while I was upstairs, I turned on the TV and it was in the same condition as the other one was. The RGB was burned out on it. This one however, is a newer set but much cheaper so I am fearful it may be on the road to the electronic nether world. It still works but it is a headache to watch. We’ll let it rest and see if it clears up on its own.
MORE FUN
This week I have box seats to see the White Sox play. That will be fun. Then on Sunday, we have seats near the patio to watch them and get some free food too. That will be a lot of fun!
THE BABY
My little girl is starting to show off her smarts. She has basically sat dormant and quietly absorbed so much information from either conversations with us or watching her favorite TV shows. We have been doing flash cards with her and she knows almost all of them. For the most part, the ones she misses are a little misleading in the way they are drawn and they definitely look like other objects than the ones she is supposed to be naming but she is still getting a large vocabulary.
That got me to thinking about my language. The last thing I want my little girl to be doing in pre-school is cursing at the teacher. I need to reel in my language and be more observant of her recognition of vocabulary so it increases with appropriate speak and not colorful metaphors.
CELEBRATION
My wife’s birthday was this past week and we have been a bit on the broke side. I only gave her a card for her birthday and she graciously let me cook some stuff for her, which she ate despite taste being the blessed woman she is. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up soon so I hope I can make it up to her.
WEATHER AND SADNESS
I watched a show last night on Discovery called Raging Planet. They covered Floods, Hurricanes and lightning. During the flood show, they talked of the Storm Surge from Katrina and this man told a story about how he was on top of his house during the first hours of the surge with his granddaughters. The youngest was three years old. The surge lifted the house from its foundation and floated it down the street into a tree. The jar was so hard that it knocked the three year old into the surge and she was gone.
Now first, I was crying because this poor little girl suffered a horrible death in the black water in the middle of the night. Then I felt anger swell up in me in that this little girl was trusting her grandfather, who was not that old, to care for her and protect her. My first question is Why did you stay?! If you want to stay and be stupid that’s fine. Kill yourself. But those kids did not deserve that because you didn’t want to go. That baby is dead because YOU didn’t do what you should have as an adult, a guardian a GRANDFATHER!
I thought of how I would feel if I saw KB fall into the water like that. I’m going in after her and I am dying with her in my arms before I ever let her just get sucked into the darkness like that and then sit coldly on a documentary and say she feel off the house into the water and she was gone and not shed a tear. The man didn’t even look like he cared!
Why was the baby there? Why didn’t you leave and get those kids somewhere safe? It’s not right. And I don’t want to hear about how hard it was to get out. This man knew when and what was coming and he stayed. Now a three year old little baby never gets to experience what its like to long for summer break during a boring class at school. She doesn’t get to have her first kiss from a boy or taste her first cotton candy at a fair. She doesn’t get to look up at her Grandfather and say thank you for taking me away during the storm. She had that chance taken from her by someone who didn’t want to leave.
I cried last night and I cry right now as I sit here thinking about it. All the children that this story embodies from such tragedies. The little smiles and experiences they shared are now just memories of a child that never grew up and never shared the joys and sadness of life with the people they love as one is supposed to.
Back to work. I need to shake this off and love my daughters and sons.
As I sat there and the storm got closer, a loud clap of thunder roared just above our house. The walls shook and the scared dogs ran into the small rooms of the house as if it would protect them further from harm. Relaxing now since I like storms, I began to lull in my chair and drift off to a nap. I had finished my paper, the house was quiet and with a thunderstorm was in the area: I was thinking “What a perfect Sunday.” CRACK! The walls shook again, a clap of thunder roared through the house and the TV popped and blinked as did the lights. Our house had been hit by lightning.
I looked at the TV and it had been reduced to the RGB colors that make it a color TV set: The only problem was it was green in the right corner, blue in the left and red on the bottom. Then the middle was a purple color I had only seen in a MS Windows color scheme called eggplant.
I turned the TV off as I sat sad now knowing I would have to watch the small TV from the bedroom since this one was fried. I let the TV sit and relax for awhile while I checked out the rest of the house. All but upstairs seemed fine. I had not checked upstairs because the baby and my wife were asleep in a nap.
I turned the TV back on and it was actually repaired. The lights had gone back to normal and the set was working fine again. I was very pleased. One reason was we do not have the money to shell out for another TV right now. Moreover, the other was this TV has been active since around 1996 and has been through so much already and weathered well. It is still a great TV set.
So later while I was upstairs, I turned on the TV and it was in the same condition as the other one was. The RGB was burned out on it. This one however, is a newer set but much cheaper so I am fearful it may be on the road to the electronic nether world. It still works but it is a headache to watch. We’ll let it rest and see if it clears up on its own.
MORE FUN
This week I have box seats to see the White Sox play. That will be fun. Then on Sunday, we have seats near the patio to watch them and get some free food too. That will be a lot of fun!
THE BABY
My little girl is starting to show off her smarts. She has basically sat dormant and quietly absorbed so much information from either conversations with us or watching her favorite TV shows. We have been doing flash cards with her and she knows almost all of them. For the most part, the ones she misses are a little misleading in the way they are drawn and they definitely look like other objects than the ones she is supposed to be naming but she is still getting a large vocabulary.
That got me to thinking about my language. The last thing I want my little girl to be doing in pre-school is cursing at the teacher. I need to reel in my language and be more observant of her recognition of vocabulary so it increases with appropriate speak and not colorful metaphors.
CELEBRATION
My wife’s birthday was this past week and we have been a bit on the broke side. I only gave her a card for her birthday and she graciously let me cook some stuff for her, which she ate despite taste being the blessed woman she is. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up soon so I hope I can make it up to her.
WEATHER AND SADNESS
I watched a show last night on Discovery called Raging Planet. They covered Floods, Hurricanes and lightning. During the flood show, they talked of the Storm Surge from Katrina and this man told a story about how he was on top of his house during the first hours of the surge with his granddaughters. The youngest was three years old. The surge lifted the house from its foundation and floated it down the street into a tree. The jar was so hard that it knocked the three year old into the surge and she was gone.
Now first, I was crying because this poor little girl suffered a horrible death in the black water in the middle of the night. Then I felt anger swell up in me in that this little girl was trusting her grandfather, who was not that old, to care for her and protect her. My first question is Why did you stay?! If you want to stay and be stupid that’s fine. Kill yourself. But those kids did not deserve that because you didn’t want to go. That baby is dead because YOU didn’t do what you should have as an adult, a guardian a GRANDFATHER!
I thought of how I would feel if I saw KB fall into the water like that. I’m going in after her and I am dying with her in my arms before I ever let her just get sucked into the darkness like that and then sit coldly on a documentary and say she feel off the house into the water and she was gone and not shed a tear. The man didn’t even look like he cared!
Why was the baby there? Why didn’t you leave and get those kids somewhere safe? It’s not right. And I don’t want to hear about how hard it was to get out. This man knew when and what was coming and he stayed. Now a three year old little baby never gets to experience what its like to long for summer break during a boring class at school. She doesn’t get to have her first kiss from a boy or taste her first cotton candy at a fair. She doesn’t get to look up at her Grandfather and say thank you for taking me away during the storm. She had that chance taken from her by someone who didn’t want to leave.
I cried last night and I cry right now as I sit here thinking about it. All the children that this story embodies from such tragedies. The little smiles and experiences they shared are now just memories of a child that never grew up and never shared the joys and sadness of life with the people they love as one is supposed to.
Back to work. I need to shake this off and love my daughters and sons.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Townhalls and the Village Idiots
I am having a problem now with the current political climate. First off let it be known, yes I voted for Obama and I have no qualms about it and I do not regret it in anyway. That said, I want to say that there are problems in this country that need to be in the forefront and have action taken on them. I trust my political leaders to do what’s right, and prioritize and spend as needed to accomplish these goals.
Now, that said, I know that doesn’t always happen but I first refuse to believe that the majority of these people are in office for self gain only and do not have the intent to serve the people as their job entails. I truly believe most of them are their for the right reasons and are trying to do the best they can and things get in the way that slows or deters progress regardless of party aim.
Now with THAT said my dismay and discomfort with the current political climate is this. Why is it the news teams are presenting the freaks and morons instead of the people who can speak to the valid concerns of the country and receive answers. I just allowed about three minutes of my life to be taken while I watched an old codger run his mouth about nothing coherent for that timeframe. It was on MSNBC under the link of Obama Breaks Oath. So my curiosity was piqued and I figured, even though I don’t agree, I want to hear what this man has to say and see if there is any validity to it.
The man rambled and never came up with a worthy answer for anything. He was asked repeatedly by the anchor, “What was your problem you wanted to raise with Sen. Specter? “
Man, “I was lied to.”
How?
“I called his office and gave an assistant all the things I wanted to discuss. I said discuss, not ask questions about. Discuss.” (As if this matters.) “And they said for me to go to the town hall and I could raise my concerns.”
“And did you?”
“No I got threw out.”
“Why?”
“They want me to shut up.”
“What are your concerns?”
He rambles on for a few minutes and the News Anchor pulls him back in when he claims Obama broke his oath. “How do you feel he broke his oath sir?”
“31 ways.”
“31 ways huh? What are your top 3 ways he broke the oath?”
“Man rambles for a bit. Says he is lied to and doesn’t trust Obama. No reasons yet mind you.”
“Sir, what is the top reason then? Your number one reason.”
“Well, he I don’t trust him. He broke his oath.”
“Okay, we get that. You don’t trust him and he broke his oath. How did he break his oath? What is your #1 reason that you say he broke his oath?”
“He took the oath twice. I don’t trust him, Pelosi, any of them.”
Okay, at this point, I’m done, no need to watch anymore. This guy is rambling a like an idiot and running off at the mouth and never gets to a point and just blathers. No wonder he got thrown out of the town hall. I mean, you’re given the platform on national TV and asked, why do you feel this way? And the best you can come up with is I don’t trust him. He took the oath of office twice and I’m mad.
What crap. No wonder we cant be heard with morons like this running around!
My opinion is this, politicians are…well politicians. ACCEPT IT! You will be lied to but they are trying to do things. State your concerns, raise your ideas, put them on notice they will be replaced if they don’t represent you appropriately but say it with some intelligence. You don’t have to be a great orator to do this. Say it plainly and in no uncertain terms and move on!
The sooner we as a country lose partisan politics, the faster Congress and the political machine can not USE partisan politics.
I vote my conscious and my ideals, not my party line. I go with the person I think will do the best job to unite and work together to do the best for the country. I in no way think one man can come into that scapegoat role and save the country. There are too many interworkings and processes that one man can do it all and to put that on a man s shoulders is ridiculous and you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. See that is what we call a monarchy or dictatorship when one man has that kind of power. We left that and don’t want that. Don’t vote that way.
So anyway, my main point, media folks, stop airing the idiots for ratings and start airing the things that matter so we can be informed or we will replace you as well.
Now, that said, I know that doesn’t always happen but I first refuse to believe that the majority of these people are in office for self gain only and do not have the intent to serve the people as their job entails. I truly believe most of them are their for the right reasons and are trying to do the best they can and things get in the way that slows or deters progress regardless of party aim.
Now with THAT said my dismay and discomfort with the current political climate is this. Why is it the news teams are presenting the freaks and morons instead of the people who can speak to the valid concerns of the country and receive answers. I just allowed about three minutes of my life to be taken while I watched an old codger run his mouth about nothing coherent for that timeframe. It was on MSNBC under the link of Obama Breaks Oath. So my curiosity was piqued and I figured, even though I don’t agree, I want to hear what this man has to say and see if there is any validity to it.
The man rambled and never came up with a worthy answer for anything. He was asked repeatedly by the anchor, “What was your problem you wanted to raise with Sen. Specter? “
Man, “I was lied to.”
How?
“I called his office and gave an assistant all the things I wanted to discuss. I said discuss, not ask questions about. Discuss.” (As if this matters.) “And they said for me to go to the town hall and I could raise my concerns.”
“And did you?”
“No I got threw out.”
“Why?”
“They want me to shut up.”
“What are your concerns?”
He rambles on for a few minutes and the News Anchor pulls him back in when he claims Obama broke his oath. “How do you feel he broke his oath sir?”
“31 ways.”
“31 ways huh? What are your top 3 ways he broke the oath?”
“Man rambles for a bit. Says he is lied to and doesn’t trust Obama. No reasons yet mind you.”
“Sir, what is the top reason then? Your number one reason.”
“Well, he I don’t trust him. He broke his oath.”
“Okay, we get that. You don’t trust him and he broke his oath. How did he break his oath? What is your #1 reason that you say he broke his oath?”
“He took the oath twice. I don’t trust him, Pelosi, any of them.”
Okay, at this point, I’m done, no need to watch anymore. This guy is rambling a like an idiot and running off at the mouth and never gets to a point and just blathers. No wonder he got thrown out of the town hall. I mean, you’re given the platform on national TV and asked, why do you feel this way? And the best you can come up with is I don’t trust him. He took the oath of office twice and I’m mad.
What crap. No wonder we cant be heard with morons like this running around!
My opinion is this, politicians are…well politicians. ACCEPT IT! You will be lied to but they are trying to do things. State your concerns, raise your ideas, put them on notice they will be replaced if they don’t represent you appropriately but say it with some intelligence. You don’t have to be a great orator to do this. Say it plainly and in no uncertain terms and move on!
The sooner we as a country lose partisan politics, the faster Congress and the political machine can not USE partisan politics.
I vote my conscious and my ideals, not my party line. I go with the person I think will do the best job to unite and work together to do the best for the country. I in no way think one man can come into that scapegoat role and save the country. There are too many interworkings and processes that one man can do it all and to put that on a man s shoulders is ridiculous and you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. See that is what we call a monarchy or dictatorship when one man has that kind of power. We left that and don’t want that. Don’t vote that way.
So anyway, my main point, media folks, stop airing the idiots for ratings and start airing the things that matter so we can be informed or we will replace you as well.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Working and The BBLCT Creation
After being at work all day, it was noon before I looked up and realized how late it was. Through meetings and diligence, I just blazed right by the hours and was enjoying all the work being accomplished. Status was being emitted from my office, assignments made, deliverables being met, questions being answered and accomplishments being met well ahead of guidelines. Overall, it has been a good workday.
Taking my normal breaks as I listen in on conference calls, I have been able to jot down thoughts for the blog, work on my farm in Farmville, meet a new manager that was just hired this week for our office and still check out the news both here and in my former home in Tennessee.
One of the thoughts I had today was about dinner tonight. My wife and I went to see Julie and Julia Sunday and it was great. It got me to thinking about different ways to cook and getting my confidence back in it. Listen at me I am just no confidence man about everything I do lately. Man! Guitar, drawing, cooking…what’s next?
As I left this morning, my wonderful wife asked me as usual, what I had in mind for dinner. Of course, I usually do not have a clue and honestly will most days eat whatever she fixes as long as it is not asparagus or anchovies. However today, I developed a flavor for a BLT. I just remembered one time when we had BLT’s and she fixed them on some real nice bread. Just so flavorful and filling for some reason, and all of a sudden, it hit me that way again and I wanted those BLT’s.
After I got to work and had my first meeting I got to thinking, I have an idea that may make that BLT even better, to me anyway. As I relate this thought to you, I apologize if it makes you hungry. If however it makes you gag, I say go to a doctor immediately and find out why the taste buds of your mind’s eye are not functioning properly. Just kidding, if you do not like it you do not like it but it sounds yummy to me.
The process is this, fry the bacon to a crisp but not too crispy. You will have to put it back in the skillet here soon for some other preparation. As it fries, lightly add pepper, garlic powder and a little cayenne pepper. Set aside to drain. Now slice the French bread on the bias about an inch thick. Lay on however much mayonnaise or salad dressing you wish. Myself I plan on a small swipe of Miracle Whip on each piece: Add some nice pieces of dark lettuce, not iceberg, leaf lettuce of some kind.
Back to the bacon: Lay four slices of bacon back in the skillet and right next to each other forming a bacon raft of sorts. Now lay cheddar cheese over the bacon leaving about a quarter inch of bacon visible on each end. Now sprinkle some blue cheese on top of the cheddar so it melts with the cheddar as it lies in the skillet. Keep it there until the cheese mixes and melts nicely. Pick it up with a spatula and lay it on the bottom piece of bread.
Lay some thick fresh tomatoes down on the bacon and cheese patty you created. Now take some sliced red onion rings on the sandwich. Lightly pepper the sandwich with some fresh cracked pepper. Now put the top on. Awesome! Grab a bowl of tomato soup to enjoy with it and just say yum.
If this works out for me tonight the way it seems to taste in my head, my next twist will be to fry the bread in butter first on one side only and assemble the sandwich as above. Wow, I am hungry.
Anyway, that has had me occupied today, as has work.
Well, on to the next mind occupier for me. Maybe I will not be so tired to play my guitar tonight. We will see.
I will provide some better thought to hold your attention tomorrow, as I do not feel the general audience is as excited about my sandwich as I am. But that’s okay, it’s my sandwich not yours. I call it the BBLCT (Phonetically it’s a Blacht! But tastes better than it sounds. HA!)
So see ya later!
Taking my normal breaks as I listen in on conference calls, I have been able to jot down thoughts for the blog, work on my farm in Farmville, meet a new manager that was just hired this week for our office and still check out the news both here and in my former home in Tennessee.
One of the thoughts I had today was about dinner tonight. My wife and I went to see Julie and Julia Sunday and it was great. It got me to thinking about different ways to cook and getting my confidence back in it. Listen at me I am just no confidence man about everything I do lately. Man! Guitar, drawing, cooking…what’s next?
As I left this morning, my wonderful wife asked me as usual, what I had in mind for dinner. Of course, I usually do not have a clue and honestly will most days eat whatever she fixes as long as it is not asparagus or anchovies. However today, I developed a flavor for a BLT. I just remembered one time when we had BLT’s and she fixed them on some real nice bread. Just so flavorful and filling for some reason, and all of a sudden, it hit me that way again and I wanted those BLT’s.
After I got to work and had my first meeting I got to thinking, I have an idea that may make that BLT even better, to me anyway. As I relate this thought to you, I apologize if it makes you hungry. If however it makes you gag, I say go to a doctor immediately and find out why the taste buds of your mind’s eye are not functioning properly. Just kidding, if you do not like it you do not like it but it sounds yummy to me.
The process is this, fry the bacon to a crisp but not too crispy. You will have to put it back in the skillet here soon for some other preparation. As it fries, lightly add pepper, garlic powder and a little cayenne pepper. Set aside to drain. Now slice the French bread on the bias about an inch thick. Lay on however much mayonnaise or salad dressing you wish. Myself I plan on a small swipe of Miracle Whip on each piece: Add some nice pieces of dark lettuce, not iceberg, leaf lettuce of some kind.
Back to the bacon: Lay four slices of bacon back in the skillet and right next to each other forming a bacon raft of sorts. Now lay cheddar cheese over the bacon leaving about a quarter inch of bacon visible on each end. Now sprinkle some blue cheese on top of the cheddar so it melts with the cheddar as it lies in the skillet. Keep it there until the cheese mixes and melts nicely. Pick it up with a spatula and lay it on the bottom piece of bread.
Lay some thick fresh tomatoes down on the bacon and cheese patty you created. Now take some sliced red onion rings on the sandwich. Lightly pepper the sandwich with some fresh cracked pepper. Now put the top on. Awesome! Grab a bowl of tomato soup to enjoy with it and just say yum.
If this works out for me tonight the way it seems to taste in my head, my next twist will be to fry the bread in butter first on one side only and assemble the sandwich as above. Wow, I am hungry.
Anyway, that has had me occupied today, as has work.
Well, on to the next mind occupier for me. Maybe I will not be so tired to play my guitar tonight. We will see.
I will provide some better thought to hold your attention tomorrow, as I do not feel the general audience is as excited about my sandwich as I am. But that’s okay, it’s my sandwich not yours. I call it the BBLCT (Phonetically it’s a Blacht! But tastes better than it sounds. HA!)
So see ya later!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Saturday Ramblings
Last two days have been fairly uneventful. Work has been work, home has been relaxing as it should be and other than the normal financial woes, all is well in the world with our family.
I played a little last night and thoroughly impressed myself. I can still play decently. I believe if I start back by beginning with a few exercises and scales, then play say three or four songs from memory, I will build more confidence in my playing and start learning again.
My goal is to get to a point I feel comfortable playing in front of people again. Right now I feel like I have too many mistakes in my technique and have no feeling since I am trying so hard to be correct and not just feel the music. Music is way better when someone is feeling what they are playing instead of thinking, “Okay, Myxolidian into Dorian. A major 7th from the 5th into the change up.” To me that’s just too clinical to sound good and really isn’t music. So last night was a major uplift to me and I look forward to the progress.
I got on Facebook recently just to be on there with my wife really. But I got to finding people from work and found it a great way to get to know my employees as well as others I interfaced with in my new role. And recently, I stumbled onto my best friend from High School whom I haven’t talked to in years, a whole other story as to why later. I began to see names and faces of people I hadn’t remembered and stories flooded back of the stupid stuff we all do as teen-agers and all the good times as well as the stupid times. I mean I am not in a mid-life crisis or anything. It is just interesting to see how they turned out and what they are doing. Just reading a status update and seeing a few pictures of their life is nice and settling.
Because of this, I no longer feel as if I slid out of sight and they feel to ocean of people in the world and we all just faded away. To me this proves that we all want the same thing regardless of how dumb we were in school. We want to prosper and enjoy life but more importantly, we want to be remembered and leave a legacy. We want to teach the next generation about what we learned and what our parents taught us, right and wrong, good or bad. We want to improve the world even if it is just our block that one smidgen and when we go, the world or that one little smidgen of a block can say that person touched my family in this one small way. And they remembered it and it in some small manner improved something for a short time and some people were happier or better for it.
I think I can leave this world and know I did that more than once. I’m not bragging. I am just satisfied. However I am greedy. I want more and I want it for a long time. I want to keep impacting my children and see them grew as I did and enjoy life and each other and not let circumstances ruin or jade their perspective of things.
So now live the example, live life fun, enjoy everything and endure everything else. Do not let the situation control you. When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you. And I want to be proud of the definition.
I played a little last night and thoroughly impressed myself. I can still play decently. I believe if I start back by beginning with a few exercises and scales, then play say three or four songs from memory, I will build more confidence in my playing and start learning again.
My goal is to get to a point I feel comfortable playing in front of people again. Right now I feel like I have too many mistakes in my technique and have no feeling since I am trying so hard to be correct and not just feel the music. Music is way better when someone is feeling what they are playing instead of thinking, “Okay, Myxolidian into Dorian. A major 7th from the 5th into the change up.” To me that’s just too clinical to sound good and really isn’t music. So last night was a major uplift to me and I look forward to the progress.
I got on Facebook recently just to be on there with my wife really. But I got to finding people from work and found it a great way to get to know my employees as well as others I interfaced with in my new role. And recently, I stumbled onto my best friend from High School whom I haven’t talked to in years, a whole other story as to why later. I began to see names and faces of people I hadn’t remembered and stories flooded back of the stupid stuff we all do as teen-agers and all the good times as well as the stupid times. I mean I am not in a mid-life crisis or anything. It is just interesting to see how they turned out and what they are doing. Just reading a status update and seeing a few pictures of their life is nice and settling.
Because of this, I no longer feel as if I slid out of sight and they feel to ocean of people in the world and we all just faded away. To me this proves that we all want the same thing regardless of how dumb we were in school. We want to prosper and enjoy life but more importantly, we want to be remembered and leave a legacy. We want to teach the next generation about what we learned and what our parents taught us, right and wrong, good or bad. We want to improve the world even if it is just our block that one smidgen and when we go, the world or that one little smidgen of a block can say that person touched my family in this one small way. And they remembered it and it in some small manner improved something for a short time and some people were happier or better for it.
I think I can leave this world and know I did that more than once. I’m not bragging. I am just satisfied. However I am greedy. I want more and I want it for a long time. I want to keep impacting my children and see them grew as I did and enjoy life and each other and not let circumstances ruin or jade their perspective of things.
So now live the example, live life fun, enjoy everything and endure everything else. Do not let the situation control you. When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you. And I want to be proud of the definition.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps..."
As I sat there I thought, “Why did I stop playing?” I tell myself at times it was because I just don’t want to fool with the setup and the getting ready to play. It was all such a laborious affair. Pull out the amp, plug in the amp, pull out the guitar, plug in the guitar, decide on what music to play with, and that’s where I usually stalled. I would go through the music and think, “I want to play this song.” Then I would start thinking about how as soon as I am finished with that I will have to change music and play something else or I’ll get bored and then that starts me down a path of thinking it is just too laborious to play.
Then I would also think, well, the baby needs attention and I shouldn’t be selfish. Or my family deserves attention too and I shouldn’t be selfish. Then I would think, “Why am I playing if I am not going to go out and play anywhere? What’s it for?”
I would think there were so many other things I could/should be doing instead of this that I would feel guilty.
Last night I saw comments from friends on Facebook about their playing and the desires they have and it was similar to the way I used to feel about music. I used to get excited about my playing: Not just if I were good but excited because I was playing: Just because I was playing. Why don’t I feel that way anymore? Why shouldn’t I be excited to just sit down and play my guitar for myself? I love the way it feels, I love the way it sounds, I like watching my hands make formations and hearing the wonderful sound emanate from the sound hole or amplifier. I like hearing how close I can get the sound to another musician’s sound and hearing the tones all blend magically together to fill up a room and take it over commanding attention from whomever is present whether it be good or bad music. (And by that I mean the music, not me commanding attention.)
So, I like all there is about playing music and I am still not playing as much as I should. I started when I was twelve years old and learned all on my own, the driver being I wanted to learn more. Every time I learned something I was looking for the next thing to learn, technique, sounds, a song, scales, trends and tricks, anything: But now, I only play and go through the motions.
One reason is I get frustrated. Due to my inactivity, I don’t play as well as I used to and I try to play technically difficult songs that I cant really play as well anymore and I get frustrated. I will hit a spot that is critical for the movement of the piece and I miff it and get angry with myself. And if it is a piece that I feel is inferior to my previous skill level (the level I think I am at and was previously but not now) I get extremely frustrated.
I have made the decision to play more and practice. Even if it is only sitting and strumming through and doing exercises for thirty minutes I will do it. I need to. I worked too hard to learn it all to just let it go. Not to mention that it is very relaxing when one just sits and plays for your own relaxation. I also have found there are a few folks around town that work with my company that play and play similar music. I may be able to play in a band again.
My thoughts on a band have changed drastically from my youth. I used to think it was about getting things perfect and doing it so that if that one chance popped open for us to get signed, we were ready. Since growing older and understanding what music really means to me, I am glad I never had that opportunity. I don’t think I would like music as much if I had been a professional. I had opportunities and for whatever reason I missed them through mistakes and misunderstanding. I think it was for a reason.
My age has showed me that just playing music with a few people of the same mindset and sharing it with an audience at times is very fulfilling and liberating. To walk away from a stage or platform and see someone, either drunk or sober, happy because you gave them a memory that makes them feel good is such a wonderful feeling. And music does that. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be good. Just seeing an artist have fun and fumble through a song with a group of people a constant smile on the whole time and not worried about their scuffs and gaffes is truly liberating and elating.
I want that again. The freedom to not worry about how I sound or how accurate I was in my playing. I don’t want to stink, but I don’t want to be bound by perfection either. Friedrich Nietzsche said “Without music, life would be a mistake.” I agree one hundred percent. I need to show that again.
Anyway, I am hearing the artists. As I get older my heroes die. Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jeff Healey, Randy Rhoads, Joey Ramone, et al. It is a sign of the times and my age and a sorrowing reminder of where things head. But left with their legacy and memory, a path can be forged in the same vein without fame and still have impact.
I seek that impact now and the energy and pay off that I used to get from lifting my guitar and resting it on my leg for an hour. I used to sweat when I played. I used to lose energy and feel like I expended good energy doing something productive and loving. I can again and that is my desire.
Blathering of a former musician.
Then I would also think, well, the baby needs attention and I shouldn’t be selfish. Or my family deserves attention too and I shouldn’t be selfish. Then I would think, “Why am I playing if I am not going to go out and play anywhere? What’s it for?”
I would think there were so many other things I could/should be doing instead of this that I would feel guilty.
Last night I saw comments from friends on Facebook about their playing and the desires they have and it was similar to the way I used to feel about music. I used to get excited about my playing: Not just if I were good but excited because I was playing: Just because I was playing. Why don’t I feel that way anymore? Why shouldn’t I be excited to just sit down and play my guitar for myself? I love the way it feels, I love the way it sounds, I like watching my hands make formations and hearing the wonderful sound emanate from the sound hole or amplifier. I like hearing how close I can get the sound to another musician’s sound and hearing the tones all blend magically together to fill up a room and take it over commanding attention from whomever is present whether it be good or bad music. (And by that I mean the music, not me commanding attention.)
So, I like all there is about playing music and I am still not playing as much as I should. I started when I was twelve years old and learned all on my own, the driver being I wanted to learn more. Every time I learned something I was looking for the next thing to learn, technique, sounds, a song, scales, trends and tricks, anything: But now, I only play and go through the motions.
One reason is I get frustrated. Due to my inactivity, I don’t play as well as I used to and I try to play technically difficult songs that I cant really play as well anymore and I get frustrated. I will hit a spot that is critical for the movement of the piece and I miff it and get angry with myself. And if it is a piece that I feel is inferior to my previous skill level (the level I think I am at and was previously but not now) I get extremely frustrated.
I have made the decision to play more and practice. Even if it is only sitting and strumming through and doing exercises for thirty minutes I will do it. I need to. I worked too hard to learn it all to just let it go. Not to mention that it is very relaxing when one just sits and plays for your own relaxation. I also have found there are a few folks around town that work with my company that play and play similar music. I may be able to play in a band again.
My thoughts on a band have changed drastically from my youth. I used to think it was about getting things perfect and doing it so that if that one chance popped open for us to get signed, we were ready. Since growing older and understanding what music really means to me, I am glad I never had that opportunity. I don’t think I would like music as much if I had been a professional. I had opportunities and for whatever reason I missed them through mistakes and misunderstanding. I think it was for a reason.
My age has showed me that just playing music with a few people of the same mindset and sharing it with an audience at times is very fulfilling and liberating. To walk away from a stage or platform and see someone, either drunk or sober, happy because you gave them a memory that makes them feel good is such a wonderful feeling. And music does that. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be good. Just seeing an artist have fun and fumble through a song with a group of people a constant smile on the whole time and not worried about their scuffs and gaffes is truly liberating and elating.
I want that again. The freedom to not worry about how I sound or how accurate I was in my playing. I don’t want to stink, but I don’t want to be bound by perfection either. Friedrich Nietzsche said “Without music, life would be a mistake.” I agree one hundred percent. I need to show that again.
Anyway, I am hearing the artists. As I get older my heroes die. Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jeff Healey, Randy Rhoads, Joey Ramone, et al. It is a sign of the times and my age and a sorrowing reminder of where things head. But left with their legacy and memory, a path can be forged in the same vein without fame and still have impact.
I seek that impact now and the energy and pay off that I used to get from lifting my guitar and resting it on my leg for an hour. I used to sweat when I played. I used to lose energy and feel like I expended good energy doing something productive and loving. I can again and that is my desire.
Blathering of a former musician.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Introduction and the Franco's Experience
Introduction
This is my first entry. I am setting out with a mission to emit my opinion of things we do around town. Allow me to introduce myself.
I am a forty-one year old man, living in Schaumburg, Illinois: Population 72, 805, with my wife, two kids and two dogs. I was born and raised in Maryville, Tennessee. I spent my entire life there save ten years I spent in the Air Force. My move to Schaumburg was for business and I truly love the experience.
For those that do not know exactly where Schaumburg is located, it is a suburb of Chicago about twenty miles or so from the inner city by highway. One does not have to travel to the city to find good food or entertainment, there are many opportunities right here and most are not chain restaurants or services.
My goal for this blog is to experience things in my normal everyday life and then write a little blurb about it. Not just merely rendering my opinion but providing an informative account of the experience that is hopefully entertaining and useful as well.
Franco’s Cucina
My first entry is not only my introduction but also an ode to a deli in Streamwood I love dearly: Franco’s Cucina Italian Bakery and Deli. At then end of this blog, I will provide you the web address so you can check it out on your own if you are ever up this way.
This place is awesome and I do not use that term loosely. Driving up you will think it is just another small deli in an industrial park. Nevertheless, trust me this place packs a big punch in flavor and nostalgia. They bake fresh bread daily, wonderful fresh hot meals for lunch and dinner: soups, salads, sauces, pizza and pastries. The cannolis are heavenly. My favorite meal at Franco’s is the tuna salad sub with everything and a side of tortellini salad. My wife is partial to the baked mostaccioli and my son of course likes the pizza. What is very nice is they offer many sandwiches on focaccia bread baked fresh each day. The Genoa served on focaccia with fresh mozzarella, oils, salt, pepper is just perfect, and more than enough for a lunchtime treat.
Another item I am partial to besides the cannolis and subs is cake. I do not care much for cake usually but this is great. Sorry I have no clue as to what it is called. I usually just point to it with drool running out the corner of my mouth and they know what it is. The elderly woman gave me a slice to try once and I have been hooked ever since. They are like crack dealers but with food! They will give you something to try and reel you right in and you will never be the same.
The staff is great and friendly. I will not refer to the names of the proprietors here as I do not see them on their web site and have not obtained permission from them to publish the names, but they will undoubtedly greet you with a smile and give you a great experience.
The man and older woman that run the cucina are so personable and welcoming. My wife goes in and picks up bread for my daughter every week. My daughter is just over two years old and is a finicky eater anyway, but we made the mistake for giving her a slice of Vienna bread topped with sesame seeds. She is hooked and pretty much snubs her nose at other breads now. The staff remembers my wife every time she comes in and the woman chastises her if she does not bring my daughter in the deli when she visits. They go out of their way to make us feel special and keep us as a customer.
Franco’s is definitely not the modern day deli experience. This deli reminds me of my days growing up in Maryville where people would remember a person because they care about their customers and want to keep their customers. They have pride in their product and their product is more than just the purchase: it is the experience and the interaction.
So do not just take my word for it. If you are out and about in Schaumburg, visit Franco’s and feed your eyes on all they offer. They give me the corner deli feeling that all neighborhoods used to have and is so rare today.
The web site to view some of the better menu items and get the location is:
http://www.francoscucina.com/
This is my first entry. I am setting out with a mission to emit my opinion of things we do around town. Allow me to introduce myself.
I am a forty-one year old man, living in Schaumburg, Illinois: Population 72, 805, with my wife, two kids and two dogs. I was born and raised in Maryville, Tennessee. I spent my entire life there save ten years I spent in the Air Force. My move to Schaumburg was for business and I truly love the experience.
For those that do not know exactly where Schaumburg is located, it is a suburb of Chicago about twenty miles or so from the inner city by highway. One does not have to travel to the city to find good food or entertainment, there are many opportunities right here and most are not chain restaurants or services.
My goal for this blog is to experience things in my normal everyday life and then write a little blurb about it. Not just merely rendering my opinion but providing an informative account of the experience that is hopefully entertaining and useful as well.
Franco’s Cucina
My first entry is not only my introduction but also an ode to a deli in Streamwood I love dearly: Franco’s Cucina Italian Bakery and Deli. At then end of this blog, I will provide you the web address so you can check it out on your own if you are ever up this way.
This place is awesome and I do not use that term loosely. Driving up you will think it is just another small deli in an industrial park. Nevertheless, trust me this place packs a big punch in flavor and nostalgia. They bake fresh bread daily, wonderful fresh hot meals for lunch and dinner: soups, salads, sauces, pizza and pastries. The cannolis are heavenly. My favorite meal at Franco’s is the tuna salad sub with everything and a side of tortellini salad. My wife is partial to the baked mostaccioli and my son of course likes the pizza. What is very nice is they offer many sandwiches on focaccia bread baked fresh each day. The Genoa served on focaccia with fresh mozzarella, oils, salt, pepper is just perfect, and more than enough for a lunchtime treat.
Another item I am partial to besides the cannolis and subs is cake. I do not care much for cake usually but this is great. Sorry I have no clue as to what it is called. I usually just point to it with drool running out the corner of my mouth and they know what it is. The elderly woman gave me a slice to try once and I have been hooked ever since. They are like crack dealers but with food! They will give you something to try and reel you right in and you will never be the same.
The staff is great and friendly. I will not refer to the names of the proprietors here as I do not see them on their web site and have not obtained permission from them to publish the names, but they will undoubtedly greet you with a smile and give you a great experience.
The man and older woman that run the cucina are so personable and welcoming. My wife goes in and picks up bread for my daughter every week. My daughter is just over two years old and is a finicky eater anyway, but we made the mistake for giving her a slice of Vienna bread topped with sesame seeds. She is hooked and pretty much snubs her nose at other breads now. The staff remembers my wife every time she comes in and the woman chastises her if she does not bring my daughter in the deli when she visits. They go out of their way to make us feel special and keep us as a customer.
Franco’s is definitely not the modern day deli experience. This deli reminds me of my days growing up in Maryville where people would remember a person because they care about their customers and want to keep their customers. They have pride in their product and their product is more than just the purchase: it is the experience and the interaction.
So do not just take my word for it. If you are out and about in Schaumburg, visit Franco’s and feed your eyes on all they offer. They give me the corner deli feeling that all neighborhoods used to have and is so rare today.
The web site to view some of the better menu items and get the location is:
http://www.francoscucina.com/
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