Peoiple are gone but their memory is still precious

Well, not because of the time of year, I know it doesn’t help, but because a friendof mine that passed away unexpectedly a few months ago, has me a little teared up today and missing my sisters and mother.

The friend worked for the same company I do and that’s how I met him. I didn’t have a lot of time with him in person, most of it was spent over the phone repairing cell sites and stuff. One of his best friends, actually a guy so close they were like brothers, found a bunch of pictures of him and put them on Facebook for the rest of us to enjoy. Earlier this week in our East Region meeting, the Director for that region had a photo he shared at the end of his presentation for us to remember him. I looked around the room and you could tell those that knew him and those that didn’t because it was pretty emotional. That man touched a lot of lives and was such a good person to everyone he met.

You couldn’t forget Donnie Bolton. He was outgoing and just did whatever was needed for anyone to be taken care of in anyway. He was so unselfish and loving.

And the pictures you can see it. He was everywhere and loved his life and made sure everyone around him felt the same way when he was there. IF you were down, you wouldn’t be long because he wouldn’t allow it and no matter what you were down about, he had a fix for it.

Seeing him in the pictures with the kids and just enjoying his time with them treating them like they mattered and not just after thoughts. He would play and sit and talk with them until they both fell asleep.

We miss you Donnie and your affect has made me miss my family even more than before. I hope my sisters and brother are okay and getting their lives back some how. I miss you and wish you well.

Love Little Jimmy

The World Ain't Slowing Down for No one

“The world ain’t slowing down”



That song always makes me cry because it reminds me of how my little children have all grown up and have their own problems. They make more of their own decisions and thus make more of their own mistakes. They learn from them, they hurt from them, they feel vindicated from them and they react and turn and grow and flex and digress from the decisions. I started feeling it when my son was 12 and my daughter made it more evident when she was 13.

Now my youngest. 2.5 years, I see doing the same thing. She makes decisions that hurt, that make her laugh, make her experience love and loss and pangs and she doesn’t understand it yet. I see her growing and I hear this song and I hurt for what she will experience without me there to help her and shield her. It has to happen but it saddens me. It saddens me that my little girl I wont be able to hold onto much longer.

I hurt when I hear the song but it is a happy and sad hurt. I see her in it and the other kids too. I hear the words, “It hits you like scripture” and it belts me in the stomach and takes my breath. It floors me to know I don’t have control over it and I have to yet one more time, let go of something I love and hope my guidance prepares her enough to experience that level with authority and knowledge to make the right decisions. It smotes me to a place of understanding and humbling that I cant just hold them in my arms and push the rest of the world away and just be happy with them. They have their own lives to live and their own journeys to make. Life isn’t hard because of the troubles and complexities. Life is hard because the moment does not stand still when you have all that is you for centuries to come in your arms and it is growing by the second and preparing to leave you.

I love you m children. Thank you for having what is the best of me in you. I am sorry for the things that are the worst of me that reside in you. Please learn from my mistakes and grow your lives for your families even better than what we prepared for you.

The best things in life are free....

Some things are overrated in this life: Fame, money, power. Of course for those of us that don’t have it, that’s easy to say. Tonight I saw a show that touched me deeply with one frame at the end. One frame and this big 275 pound manly man was reduced to a blubbering mass in no time. That’s not hard to do of course, especially in my old age but it happened none the less.

So I sat and watched as this little girl, taken from her mother was reunited with her. She ran to her mother and jumped in her arms, legs around her waist and arms around her neck. Over the mothers shoulder you could see her smile the smile of a contented and safe feeling child. One that had everything back in the right places after the pieces were mixed up and frightened her. But now she was all right. Now she was back in the safe loving arms that had always made her feel the safest and warmest she had ever felt. The only arms that can give the comfort, love and solace a child needs.

That’s it? That’s all that made you whine like a baby? Close. But what did it was thinking about how right and perfect that feels. To have a child impart the energy they feel when they are feeling perfect: when they feel the way they do after being scooped up by their mother or father. That’s what did it. That feeling that courses through me when I have lifted my child off the ground and feel those arms reach for safety and comfort that can only be given by a parent.

I have experienced this with every child of mine. The one on one feeling of being the protector and safe haven for them when they feel their most vulnerable. They latch onto you and surrender their safety to the trust they have in you.

Just seeing that girl grab onto her mother reminded me of that feeling and made me so thankful that of all things there are in the world, I would never want to give up that privilege of having my little girl grab me around the neck and say “Daddy, boo-boo chicken.” I will gladly stay poor the rest of my life and only ask for the means to keep my family satisfied before I would ever release the privilege of that feeling.

So some things are overrated and I don’t need them. They would make life nice and even nicer for those I love. So I know some people value those things more: But then my sadness returns when I think of those that have not felt that warmth and contentment. The ones that may think it is overrated and resort to other means of fulfillment. If they only knew what they were missing.

I’ll take my hugs and kisses and I will return every ounce of love I receive sevenfold and ensure my child receives everything she deserves and more. Everything I didn’t get and everything I know will make her love her child the same way one day. Because she will look back and KNOW how it feels to have that love supporting you.

It may not read so blubbering, but it meant a lot to me to understand the true sentiment of that hug and all the emotions and communication that was transmitted in the simple free act of a hug and squeeze.

Sports...a season is closing, a season underway and two seasons to begin...

So the White Sox didn’t make it into the play offs. Yeah not good. Then they trade my favorite player. But not just trade him, they sent him to the dodgers. The dodgers! ( this is said in the form of the voice that only the word lamentation could fully describe.) At least they’re still in it so I can see my boy Thome a little longer before he retires. Downside is the Cardinals got knocked out but they deserved it. They didn’t play well enough: simple.

Then the Red Sox got knocked out YAY!!!! That leaves the Yankees and Angels. Can’t wait for that series this week, I may watch all of it.

Which brings me to my next problem. The Rockies are playing the Phillies and well, the Rockies aren’t doing well but the announcers are so firkin boring. It’s like Bob and Doug McKenzie calling the World Cup fo Soccer. You know those two canooks have no clue about that! Neither do these guys and they sound tired.

Now keep in mind I am in Central Time, the game is in Mountain time so its after 11 here and it MAY put me to sleep!!!!! It just may.

I had a rough weekend on the betting side. Missed a big money maker Thursday with Nebraska and Mizzou by 1 frikin point! 1!!!!!!! Picked them right though but took the over under bet and missed! My fault. And then on Saturday I broke my rule and bet on a Tennessee game. Only I didn’t bet on them I bet against them. Never bet on Tennessee in any form unless it’s the Lady Vols Basketball team.

Then for pro football I got my big game bet right on the money. Then we made another parlay with four games. Indianapolis came through in fine fashion, so did Philly and so did Pittsburgh. But that firkin crazy San Francisco didn’t even win their game let alone make the spread. Sigh…missed out on some dough there but didn’t really lose a lot of money. I am actually sitting with a nest egg of 66% profit for the weekends activities. I will be parlaying that this next week into another small tidy lump sum as well. Hopefully exponentially.

I only see four games right now worthy of betting on PRO. Not touching baseball till the world series. College is going to have to be Florida playing New Orleans school for the dead before I touch it. But basketball is coming up and My honey will be giving me insight on Hockey as soon as it becomes viable for betting.

So I sit each weekend and always wind up with a problem on my fantasy team. I usually have two or three players that depend on the guys players I am playing to succeed and I usually have a bet on the team they play for to lose which makes it hard to enjoy much. But it does make for an exciting day! So I will continue!

Anyway, that’s my sin for the week. Back to watching the playoffs!

Vandalism and the angry mob...good grief.

I just got through reading a story about some kids in my home area of the country that was caught spray-painting the back of a school during a rivalry week of football.

Okay #1, I do know vandalism of this nature is illegal and should not be condoned and I do not condone it. HOWEVER!!!!!! I do know every class has done something to the other school across this country and had fun doing it without hurting a soul! I also know it isn’t a felony or a hate crime. Its firkin school rivalry and pride at work.

Some proposed solutions: Banning the teams from playing each other ever again? Suspending this game due to escalating vandalism? (I didn’t know spray painting we’re #1 was escalating vandalism.) Press charges against them for felony destruction of property?

What part of this story did I not hear? How much is the Police department keeping from us? Is there a serial killer associated with the crime? Did they find Hoffa under the football field? Maybe one of them has new information about the Lindbergh kidnapping. No I got it, one of them MUST have information about Joseph Manglia. Has to be it.

Give me a break! They actually did a lab test on the damn paint and traced it back to a specific Wal-mart, (I knew a Wal-mart would be involved. That satanic retailer is behind everything. But I digress again!) then obtained video of every person buying paint and uncovered some teens purchasing paint cans. Very circumstantial but I bet if they can get the epithelial off of the paint fragments and connect it to the boys hands and fingerprints that would tie it up more. And what would cinch this case for the DA all nice and tight would be determining the lingering form of Axe body spray left on the premises by the alleged would-be Da Vinci’s once and for all: Thus sealing the coffin and nailing with facts how the teens went about their dastardly destructive and subversive behavior which undoubtedly has sank our wonderful and virgin society to the depths of the cesspool that is now criminal.

PLEASE!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! You know there are a few murders in that area that could use this type of direction and attention!!!!! Think we can get on that some time soon!!!!!!!!! HUH!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!! External School Vandalism during a rivalry week???!!!!!??? REALLY!!!! This is out attention!!!!!!

We stood by and watched a woman be murdered on TV in Iran and didn’t even impose a sanction on the place. We let genocide occur daily in the Congo and say nothing! We donate, sometimes some of us do anyway, our spare change to the people collecting for good causes in the street but most of the time even roll our windows up and ignore them instead of helping. But our noble efforts and devotion is deserved of this endeavor. BRING THESE TEENAGE FOOTBALLERS TO JUSTIVCE AND MAKE SURE THEY KNOW YOU CANT PAINT OUR SCHOOLS LIKE THAT!!!! YOU CANT DO THAT AND GET AWAY With it!!!

But you can become the leader of a small faction of idiots that want to wipe out a race and we won’t bother you for a while until the right people get involved or it becomes something the WORLD says we should intervene for.

STUPID!!!!!!!!

I know I blow this out a bit but really. I know I took part in silliness of this nature as did most of the cops involved in the investigation BECAUSE IWENT TO SCHOOL WITH SOME OF THE MORONS!!!!!!!!! THEY HELD THE DAMN CANS WITH ME AND THEY ALSO USED THE BAG OF LIE THAT WE PUTON THE FIELD TO BURN OUR FLAG INTO THE FOOTBALL FIELD SO IT WAS THERE ALL SEASON! But they want to crucify these guys because the Sadducees and Pharisees are hurling stones and threatening to call Caesar!

Now I feel like Eddie Izzard. Breathe! K. There you have it.

Catch the kids with normal effort not the cinematic efforts of CSI: MIAMI. And when you do, charge them with very low-level vandalism charges. Make them clean it up and do some public service LIKE YOU HAD TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!! And be done. Trust me, this is not the premonition of a group of Ted Bundy’s that need to be stopped now before they get out of sorts.

Good lord. No wonder our world is so screwed up. I bet our parents wouldn’t have turned it over to us if they knew we were going to get this stupid.

Soap box vacant. Diatribe over. Commence milling around and discussing now. Thank you!

Day Six: And Ye Shall...

My wife and I saw this outside a church in Alcoa, Tennessee a couple of years ago and it cracked us up. Thought I would lead with this since this post s of a religious nature and a little more serious than usual. Enjoy!



Last night I was watching some on demand when the program blew up and would not let me anymore. Some kind of maintenance I guess that Comcast was doing. Of course, it never worked again and from what I understand, it is still broke: Nice job people. I do not think we can handle any more upgrades or improvements around here. However, as I tried to watch Dexter, the channel I was on had a religious program going when it reverted to regular TV. Now I have been raised God fearing. I have recently been given to doubts but things I have witnessed and seen in my life have me conflicted with my belief system. So like many of the enchanted young minds of the 60’s looking for the answers, my mind wanders occasionally to the “What ifs?”

I do not think this is a bad thing to do and really, part of free will based on Christianity gives us the right and choice to ask these questions of ourselves and of others. It also lets us ask it of God himself. From what I have read, he expects us to do it in order to enhance our faith and prove his existence to the unbelieving.

That being said, stumbling upon this religious program, the usual hype of poor sinner come to repent and then the majority of the talking turned to the usual: Send me money. The person was shameless. They even have set fees established to give gifts back to the donators at different pay levels. For instance, the lowest donation amount was $58.00. Not $50.00, not $25.00 but $58.00. Maybe that is the person’s regular hotel bill for the hooker he goes to see after the show, $58.00 an hour. Either way this fee schedule went up to $10,000.00 with commensurate gifts. Astonishing.

Now when I read the Bible it does state that in prayer and giving, these are to be considered holy gifts if given in love and charity for the sole purpose of uplifting God’s kingdom and in that regard they are deemed seeds which will grow spiritual gifts for the giver. Now given that definition and guidance, one cannot give to anything thinking, “If I do this, then I’ll get this in return.” Sort of a spiritual savings account. God does not work that way. A gift has to be given, regardless of monetary value or materialistic properties in the embrace of love and kindness, not in expectation of reciprocity. Nevertheless, this person, as many others I have seen, taut how these donations “Will grow…and if you have given before,” he sleazily slurs to the screen, “just give more. For whatever reason God has not allowed that seed to germinate and grow but the more you give, the more it will grow. Say you gave $58.00 last week and it has yet to grow. Give $1000.00 this week, and I tell you God has said it will grow. It may be in some business venture you have going on that will prosper. It may be in other ways but it will grow out of God’s love.”

I was literally sick to my stomach with this vile bull sh#$t! How can anyone prey on the weak like that and do it in the name of faith and it is legal yet alone not reprehensible? These people should be put in jail! This is not a difference in doctrine that makes it okay for him and others to do this, this is the violation and exploitation of a specific principle of faith that people believe in and our being taught is okay. It is not! That is not the way tithing and gifting works.

Yes, it is true it will grow. Whatever your gift is to a ministry will in turn grow if given in love and with a clear conscience and heart and free of expectation of reciprocity. Moreover, it will and can grow in many ways dependant upon what God feels is best for you.

Now I send out to this man a little reminder of what God does to people like this. He needs to read Acts and how the man feel dead in his doorway for begrudging God his gift and giving it out of what he felt was REQUIRED of him and not because he wanted to give. In addition, how he expected return on his investment. They need to remember this is God’s in the first place. Everything you own is God’s and it is all about the mindset and what you INTEND to do, not WHAT you do that is important and either a sin or a blessing. Also, I seem to recall another TV preacher of our time, standing on his stage spouting dogma and rhetoric as old as the Bible at the camera and then giving an ultimatum to gather more rewards from his gullible audience. Oral Roberts shouted at the camera “You must help me achieve $1 million by midnight or this station won’t be able to broadcast anymore. God has set a deadline!” And as if on queue, God spoke in words of nature and said “Enough.” Lightning hit the stations antenna and took it off the air: Well before the supposed deadline set by the deity.

I do not know if that woke him up to the possible existence of God because he obviously was not a believer and neither is his son. And you may be saying to yourself, “Who are you to judge these people?” And I say I am a fence sitting Christian who understands the Bible and it says, “Try the spirits to see if they are of God.” It also says, “Be on the lookout for false prophets. You will know them by their works.” Therefore, when a man stands before spouting stupid doctrine that is perverted from the direction of the Bible for his own gain, I call it what it is and I judge it rightfully so. We all sin and do stupid things we need forgiveness for and God has only two levels of sin for man. All sin is forgivable in God’s eyes save the blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. However, I feel one of the worst sins to commit is to lead a person astray in their beliefs and cause them to not hear the true word of God and benefit from his guidance.

If there is a God and I am leaning to think there is, I know these people will receive just rewards some day. Even if there is not one, I still believe in Karma and that such evil cannot go inappropriately rewarded. So dude, think about what you are doing and regardless of whether you believe or not, why make some one else’s life so miserable and prey on possibly the only thing they have giving them hope for something better? You suck and I hope you get what is coming to you because you deserve it.

Sorry for the deepness of the post today but that really made me sick.

Day Five: Were it nobler...

Ogle Cabin, Gatlinburg, TN


Sir John Ogle



A picture paints a thousand words. But if I leave this picture up here and do not tell a story of discovery, you would probably think, “Why is there a picture of Shakespeare and Jesus on this dudes blog?” I tell this short story not to brag on my heritage but just as a funny little trek I took through genealogy last year.

Actually it is one of my ancestors from England, Sir John Ogle: A knight who served King Edward II around 1310. I started working on my ancestry back last year and it was exciting and addicting. For a month I worked hard on it and uncovered so many things. I started out thinking my ancestry was German Indian: Cherokee specifically. This was based on word of mouth information passed from my mother, a half-breed and my grandmother full bred. My great grandmother was full and considered a shaman type character. (I am not sure of the terminology for the female of the vocation. I didn’t look that up as it was more interesting assembling the names and lineage and still is actually even as this small discrepancy presents its self to me.)

So with that, I was in for a shock no doubt. I knew I would stumble in the research since it is a very daunting task. I mean one sole person taking on years of history and documents mostly handwritten and poorly kept. Then there is the problem of Indian data being inconsistent due to rebellion of the populace defying the government by not signing on to the rolls. My family was one of the ones that did not sign and thus past my great grandmother, my trail gets cold for the Cherokee side.

My German side comes from my father who is first generation German. His father and mother came over from England and before that were denizens of Germany. After that, it is also a cold trail. So there is the German and Indian.

So for the shock and surprise that shouldn’t be: My grandfather was English, from a long line of English. I actually traced it all the way back to 1033. There were at least five knights in the line. Just around the time of Lady Jane Grey, her uncle was in my direct line. I found that Isaac Newton was a cousin twice removed from that line as well. From that line a man worked with William Penn and rebelled in England with him and was arrested on many occasions fighting for land rights for the commoners. Then he came to Anne Arrundal County, Maryland and helped set up the township there and became one of the first mayors and legislators as well as the family setting up a sheriff’s office.

Then later I found as the lineage passed on, that Robert Ogle left Maryland and came to a little cove in east Tennessee in the Smoky Mountains. While in that cove he set up a small village that grew into what is now Gatlinburg and Sevierville, Tennessee. After he died, my great, great, great grandmother sold off some of the land to pay for the things she needed and helped establish Gatlinburg as a trading area and it grew and grew.

This family I discovered is so large and prevalent that a full society exists to establish more and more history around the line. I discovered there were many people across the world that are tied into my bloodline. There is still one of the many castles standing that King Edward awarded to Sir Robert for his efforts and loyalty during the wars with the Scottish. (A more dark time in the Ogle family as Sir Robert was one of the fine men that stood against William Wallace. Oh joy…)

Anyway, a rich history and great stories come from this research and there is so much more to discover. I plan on going to England one day with my wonderful wife and seeing this castle and maybe some more places related to the tree. Such a great thing to know this about my family and it makes me so eager to dive into the Indian and German side so much. As long as I don’t find I am related to Gobels or Himler I’ll be okay.

I worked on my wife's line and hit awall but I want to go back in. I may have to get another subscription and make the dive. I will leave any stories or tales of my wife's line to her.

But one interesting tidbit as I sat here with my family last May. We discussed movies and things we wanted to see and do and such. And as I thought I came across the “Angels and Demons” movie, the sequel to “The Da Vinci Code”. It dawned on me a very important part to that story or theory actually told in “Holy Blood, Holy Grail”, is of the Priory of Sion and the lineage back to Jesus. In that line there was of course Leonardo but one stuck out to me and stuck out for a reason I didn’t realize until almost two years after reading “The Da Vinci Code”. Some other name jumped into my thoughts and immediately I was ready to start teasing my family. “If that story is true,” I said.

“Isaac Newton was in that line, thus, I am related to Jesus Christ. I began to tell my wife who with a grin and a giggle raised her head to the ceiling as I explained the link and said “Oh My God.”

I said “Actually, very much mine but I’ll share. It’s all free. But you guys think you couldn’t take my ego before….How do you like me now?!”

Day Four: I want you...

Okay, technically I didn’t take this picture but it is relevant to my day and that’s how I plan on continuing this when I don’t take pictures and have time to write. So this is for September 28, 2009.

Meatloaf. The other day I was in the bathroom and had the stupid Target commercial stuck in my brain. The one where it sounds like a French chick trying to say mocha…I have no clue as to what is being said nor do I care. I just hate the commercial.

So I try to get it out of my head and start thinking of songs from the 70’s and “Two out of Three Ain’t Bad” pops in there. I was immediately flashed back to my summer of 6th grade and running around with my friends as we stayed out late, camped in the yard and became as close to derelicts as I would allow myself without getting into trouble with my mother. Because my mother would do more to me than the law ever would and I couldn’t bear to have her be disappointed in me.

So there I was showering, trying to wake up and clear my sinuses. My sinuses have been horrible these last few weeks with the change in weather and it is my first fall in the Chicago land area. So I am being exposed to some new molds and spores yay!!!! Sigh..

But I kept cleaning the cob webs as I had the chorus run over and over in my head, “I want you, (I want you…) I need you, ( I need you…) but there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you now don’t be sad. (Don’t be sad…cause) Cause two out of three ain’t bad.” And bam! It hit me! All these years and I just thought it was an ambiguous statement you know, “two out of three ain’t bad.” No, I finally know it is two out of the three things said. Taken from the old Elvis song, “I want you I need you I love you”. Two of the three but never gonna love you.

DO YOU KNOW HOW STUPID I FELT STANDING THERE WITH WATER RUNNING DOWN MY FACE? DUH!!!! Needless to say the Target ad was out of my head and I was awake and ready for work. Thanks Mr. Marvin Lee Aday for making me feel like an idiot for oh, 30 some odd years!

Day 3 installment of the 365 Journal: My Chair

This is my chair. It is my throne. It doesn’t look like much but it represents a lot and it allows me to do some of the things I love doing the most. For instance, from here I watch as my wife sits across from me and we argue and discuss and banter about everything under the sun. I see her sit so cute as she works her crocheting and poises herself for the boring shows I keep busy with at night. I watch her confront our teen with the “Why’s” and “How to’s” every teen is faced with these days. I watch her divine answers from him of questions he doesn’t want to answer as he sits and gives a blank stare as if that absolves him from all responsibility. I watch as she plays with our daughter and sends her running to me in fright. I watch her enjoy a meal I have cooked for her and I trust that she at least thinks its edible and doesn’t croak or gag.

Then my chair also allows me to do another thing I value so much. I get to relax at night as it is quiet and my head is clearing. The buzzing has stopped and NCIS comes on and I feel my head lighten as I finish a crossword puzzle and hear only the TV on low volume. Then rest follows and I soon fall asleep in the chair as I relax finally into slumber while the rest of the Everett camp lays sleeping in other parts of the house.

Then my chair also allows me to lay claim to my abode as El Presidente or better yet, the in house title of “Big Poppa”. When I leave for trips the oldest lays claim to the chair and draws a level of importance as the man of the house as well as feeling as if he has claimed something from the power seat without being chastised for it.

But the one thing I do from this chair I think I have enjoyed more than anything else. And that I am sure is because I didn’t do it with either child before her, is watch my youngest grow. From this chair I have watched her discover words, utensils, toys and body parts. I have seen her learn to jump and run as well as become even more self dependent until that “boo-boo chicken” becomes too much and she needs attention of a parent to make it better even though it doesn’t hurt. I have seen her scoot across the table with a pet animal toy in her hand as she set them in line and counted them from one to ten and back again. And I have seen her accomplish this feat in Spanish as well as English.

I watch the little girl sit and review a book not just for pictures but to exhibit understanding of what a book is and how it is to be utilized to the point she tries to read the words. She has learned shapes like circle, triangle and square right before my eyes. I have watched as I fought back tears when she discovers a word for the first time and smiles so big in approval of herself.

And as in a post from days before I watched her tell her first lie to me. Which didn’t hurt me but made me smile that my little girl is discovering so much about herself.

But one thing I saw that seems like so long ago now, yet still makes me cry inside every time I hear it, is when she tells me she loves me. Any problem I have melts away when ever those little lips mouth the words and make the signs that mommy taught her to say “I” (points to eye) – “Louve” (twirls finger around the heart in a circle) – “Daddy!” as she points to me and smiles awaiting approval.

And the reason this is so special is not because she is singling me out in this cutest of cuteness, but because she is like a sponge and is learning something everyday. One day she will learn more and something more and something more and she will keep growing and growing and eventually my little girl will be a woman. I am going through that stage with my oldest daughter now as she approaches womanhood. She is having the pains of being hurt and tested as a woman and it is so painful to me. And as I think that I did not have the chance nor did I make the chance to sit and watch her or her brother grow up like that and see and indulge that effort of every little accomplishment no matter how small, I get pangs of heart break that this will be just a memory one day too and I cant keep seeing the same wonderful things from her without her being exposed to the hurts and pains of the world.

I don’t want her to grow up and interface with this world and discover the hardships that are there waiting. I want her safe and constantly growing in my view from my chair and our little family just stays together and thrives as we laugh and smile and grow with no pain or problems.

But that’s not realistic. And my girl is growing up. I will remember and cherish these moments when my wife and I see her leaving for college and remember that little girl that stood in front of this chair, leaned in on my knee and looked at me when I was crying watching her and said “Are you okay?” Not knowing she has made me the happiest man alive because she and her mother have showed me what real love is and what it can do.

That chair provides me more than a resting spot. It is my window on a world that unfolds everyday for the first time for a little soul that loves me and needs me. And I have a wonderful woman to thank for that. That chair ties my family together forever.

Brobee is Missing! (Day 2 of 365journal)

Here we are on day two. I assume if you are reading this then there is some interest in the goings on of this little house near the prairie so I will continue on with my diatribe.

My second installment was not hard to find or even difficult to write in story. At first glance of the picture, one would think how cute, some baby toys perched on a sofa. “One is that little blue dog from Nickelodeon and the other is some robot creature just the right size for a tot to have some fun.” Thinking this way one would be sadly mistaken. Underneath this shy repose is a more sinister and diabolical story: A story of deranged jealousy or maybe even of the slave trade. I am positive if Bill Curtis were to investigate the tale he would undoubtedly be led down roads that traverse the seedy side of the cartoon world. The course of the investigation possibly infringing upon the sordid realms of pleasure vices and other despicable behaviors may reflect control by more powerful or maybe just bitter former characters of the cult of personality.

Digressing in this hypothesis, I detract from my original goal: tell the reader a story about my picture from day two.

Yesterday was full of work and toil and the day went busily well as one initiative fell after another. After arriving home, I prepared dinner and enjoyed it with the family hastily as we had other efforts to wield on the day before it slid away into history. We had yet another Craig’s List rendezvous which led to the sale of our Wii system garnering a much needed sum of monetary profit, and after that a trip to Target to pick up a few things needed at home as well as a few items of flagrant enjoyment such as adding to my Pez dispenser collection. After all the Halloween selection is neat this year as they glow in the dark. Not to mention they are cheap and easily stored as to not take up so much room much like another hobby I wanted to pursue at an earlier date of building a train set. I could just imagine the enjoyment of building hills and patterns on a huge table in the garage, maybe even reflecting some real locations from my home state of Tennessee to be forever memorialized in plastic, felt, glue and faux wood. However once complete, other than running the train, the item just takes up a huge amount of space and that space is forever lost for storage or other use. Store the system and then to use it at ones whim results in an all day chore of set up and tear down which detracts from the fun and suddenly becomes work. From this the reader can deduce that I tend to over think things a little and probably miss out on a lot of fun.

Back to the story at hand: viewing the picture Blue stands happily beside Plex the robot on the sofa. Our trip to Target yielded the robot as we saw it as an addition to the collection my daughter may unofficially be starting of Yo Gabba Gabba toys. She already has Brobee, “The little green one!”, as the tune professes at the start of the show, but wait, why isn’t Brobee in the picture?

I searched the bottom floor of the house and couldn’t find him for the photo shoot. All through the house I wandered calling “Brobee!” in a low whisper all the while complaining under my breath about how stars have their issues and prima-donna complexes that develop with notoriety. Before my search was over I was confident that Brobee was jealous of Plex since he sings most of the songs and has his own instructional segment of the show teaching processes and procedures for such great acts of growing up as “It’s fun to wash your hair.” and “This is how you brush your teeth.” I mean who can top that anyway? There aren’t many unless one takes a trip back through the annals of children’s television and pulls out Barney or Howdy Doody or maybe even Bozo the clown but still, one is hard pressed to find an instructional segment of this nature on a program that is not deemed educational or in the category of Sesame Street or the Electric Company: so I can see why a star of Brobee’s caliber and mental strength would be upset with the addition of a new toy in the house after being a fixture since the last Christmas. Understandingly, it is a slap in the face to give a person such control, reign and authority and then suddenly expect them to share it.

But after I take the picture and think a little longer about the situation, I begin to fear for Brobee. Thoughts race through my head about Brobee being hurt or even killed through accident or maybe something more sinister like Blue and Plex deciding the house is not large enough for three characters. Add to that Plex is a robot and is the smartest of the three. We have stories all through history where this kind of intelligence goes awry and fights back due to its superiority complex.

All through the night, well at least until I fell asleep on the couch watching X-Files, I tried to find him. Even as I lay on the couch, one has to rest a little when leading such an exhaustive search effort, I could hear his little Brobee voice echoing through the house, “Sometimes I like to move around and be loud, loud, loud!”

Maybe he will show up today. Through the course of Keira playing with different toys and digging through her toy box maybe he will resurface and we will finally know the truth. Maybe he will be able to tell his own story and rekindle the fire of prominence and fame through reinventing himself as the star who survived. Or maybe Brobee will be silent forever and this will stay an enigma and be filed away with our other stories of similar nature like the case of the missing Godfather Saga, or possibly the case of the missing Galaxy Quest DVD. I can envision our story being a conspiracy case reviewed and discussed for the decades along side the Kennedy assassinations or D.B. Cooper.

So whether we find him slumbering in the toy box, shredded with his stuffing ripped out behind the washer or see him doing stage renditions of "Rent" or "Wicked" in a road show slave trade, Brobee will be missed.

And if he doesn’t turn up, we’ll go buy another one.

365journal: Day 1

All right! So it is the first day of my 365journal. The journal in which I track each day with a picture and short story to follow it. This picture is a very simple one. It’s not extravagant or picturesque or even noteworthy but there is a lot of story to go with it.

Yesterday we were on a trek to pick up a TV from a person on Craig’s List. We got a great deal on it and it is in great shape, sort of a miniature of the one we have in the living room. A nice one with a clear screen and all the gadgets we need to operate with peripheral devices and make watching TV in the bedroom more pleasurable.

My lovely wife made the deal and set up a pick up time. She then sent me the address and I Mapqwested it and attached all the contact information so it was readily available. I take a look at the distance and it says 24 miles northwest of us. Normally 24 miles means nothing but in Chicagoland, 24 miles is an outing not a jaunt especially around 6 pm.

Anyway, I forgot all about this until I got home and my wife and I talked of leaving. Once in the truck I noted the distance to her again and was then reminded that our son had just been here on an overnight trip with a high school friend a week or so before. During that trip they not only traveled the 24 miles back to his home but they went to a fair which was 24 miles south of us thus the trip one way being 48 miles one way and 96 miles in totality! Not to mention we were never informed of this adventure, the old, get forgiveness instead of permission. But I digress as usual.

Traveling to the TV set was a little longer than I expected but it wasn’t a bad drive. Then when we got there, we discovered the folks we were buying from were house poor. I mean this house was so huge my garage and living room would fit in the living room. And it was on this small lot where you could hand toilet paper to the bathroom window in the house next to you if needed, ridiculous: but inside, hardly anything at all. Very sparse smatterings of furniture and odds-and-ends here and there. Then he tried to up-sell us on some hideous lamps that look like something out of Barry White’s bedroom in the 70’s. Sorry dude, you can keep those, just fork over the set.

So we get the TV and head back. The drive was decent and not eventful at all. We went to Taco Bell and got some dinner, which by the nature of Taco Bell will not agree with your stomach especially if you are going straight to bed afterward. Get the Dream Meanings book out and try to keep up if you attempt this feat.

So we get home, and starting the next day, today that is, we are supposed to be having our driveway sealed so I cant park in the garage or driveway which means I have further to walk with this TV set. Across the street in over-flow parking is the lot for me. We park and I look down and my “Check Engine Soon” light illuminates: wonderful!

So as I get aggravated with my truck having issues, I start thinking in my head, this TV now costs an eighth of a tank of gas, whatever the cost for my repair will be, $30.00 and a back ache from carrying it down the stairs of the house poor guys place, out to the truck, from the truck to the house then eventually upstairs to the bedroom. And my truck is still a problem which irritates me more. I am reminded of a friend I lived with in high school that went out to get a hardees biscuit in the snow one morning and drove his car off the elevated driveway. The car got stuck and cost $150.00 to tow off the embankment fo the carport, to fix the breaks and tubes that were damaged in the wreck was near $50-0.00 so that biscuit sale that was 2 for 1 at $2.00 ended up costing over $600.00. Expensive biscuits. LOL

But we have a good TV and I like it. My truck would have the engine light come on regardless it would have just been on the way home from work or to the grocery store this week anyway so the TV didn’t cause it but the comedy of errors and my aggravation as I think of the entire event along with flakes on Craig’s List that don’t like to show and add that the money we will make off any sells we have will probably go to fix my truck just irritates me that much more.

Then we get in and start to eat our Taco Bell and the baby is acting up because she’s tired. She’s ready to explode and doesn’t like her daddy and mommy being away for so long. Not to mention she has been glued to the TV now most of the day and is probably in cartoon “Yo Gabba Gabba” overload so give her a break.

So that’s the story. We got a good TV, I have my truck parked until we get it checked and Taco Bell will eat your stomach lining.

DISCLAIMER: I in no way want this to sound as if my wife made a bad decision or we shouldn’t have made this trip: I was in full agreement and felt it was a good thing to do and still do feel that way. We needed the TV, it is a good set, the trip was fine and everything is okay and I am happy with our decision. I am glad we got the TV and I am glad the truck acted up across from the house instead of on I90 in rush hour. I am just irritated I am in a position where I cant just fix it and sell it and get something new. The rest is just circumstance that makes for an interesting story. I love you honey!

XO ILY YM

Great Accolades for a Great Company and a new path for me...

I have to say my job has certainly taken off regardless of the progress I have not made that is just taking longer than I want. We had a forum this week with all the leaders of the company. I was privileged to be part of the few that were here at the first meeting of this type ten years ago. There were a little over 360 of us. This time there were over 1400! Wow! Our company is growing and growing well. We are one of a few companies in this industry that is still hiring when others are laying off people. Moreover, that is because our leaders, CEO, CIO, CFO, CTO and VP’s all were planning for this last year and before.

We have liquid assets that allow us to buy things outright that other companies have to finance. Our owners love us and we actually provide support in terms of funding for our parent company now that we have had such success.

I mean just this last year in my new position; I have created two positions to hire this year. I hired nine people and that is due to promoting others into new positions. I have set up new processes and programs that relate to equipment reliability and it has started a fire with other departments and organizations in the company to make it an enterprise effort.

Our new facility is set for 35% growth. We paid out bonuses and merit raises, not as good as last year obviously but still we paid them. In addition, this year we are still doing better than any other company in the industry is. We are doing so well one other company has put out ads stating they will pay extra money for any customer that defects from us and goes to them! WOW!!!

I was with this company on virtually the ground floor: just a few years out from its infancy. The department I am in now operated with nine people. Now, there are more than that on one shift!

Enough bragging, I just am very excited about what all we have done and what we still have to do. I have a great team of people even though sometimes they are misguided in their focus at times. I have a good team of leaders under me that take direction well and we work well together. We are ahead of the demand on every item that pops up and I could not be happier.

So today, I have been inundated with meetings and calls trying to secure other system related technologies to help us to do better work, but I still wanted to write something.

I saw a friend is doing a photo journal on another site. It looks very interesting. A picture a day with a description of what is going on. It is called 365 Journal, I think; anyway, I was thinking of taking this activity up instead of the original reason I started this blog. With the current economy and my bill structure, I just have not had the money to go out and experience anything to write. However, that in itself is a good topic. Things to do for free with pictures! Sounds like a plan!

I may do that. Most of the initial pics will probably be of home life and such but eventually a walk in the meadow may emerge and such. So anyway, that is my plan. A daily photo blog with a short story. And off we go!

My daughter is a liar

My little girl of almost 2.5 years is a willing liar. She now can openly and consciously tell me a fib or hide materials in an attempt to conceal her involvement in anything of a mischievous nature.

This weekend I was playing with my daughter in one of the many ways we have fun. She will run from me carrying something she thinks I want and she is not supposed to have. With a squeal she trots off giggling all the way as she evades capture from the authorities heading to home base, the couch, and waiting to see if I follow her. Most of the time she is good about not getting too many things that is delicate of mine. (Mainly because I keep them under lock and key or have them up so high she “can’t reach it!” One of the many cute things she says now: “I can’t reach it!”, but I digress: more of the flagrant sinning heathen of Schaumburg.)

Saturday she was playing with my laptop, running her fingers across the keys like she was typing and looking at me with that mischievous grin of hers with a silly giggle accompanying. She turns to me often through this process and grins and waits to see what I will do and of course, I provide the usual “I’m gonna get you!” in various intervals to keep her guessing and the excitement level appropriate. The last time I say it however, she takes to a run. I grab her and pull her in close to me as I sit there and start tickling her neck and she begins giggling uncontrollably. Then she starts reaching out to her snack on the table with a whimper like, “bread, bread, I want my bread.” I let her go and what does the little wench do? Yes. She looks back at me and runs away as fast as she can! She lied to me! My little girl just openly lied and used me to get lose so she could run away! I was just astonished at the sight of seeing her that intelligent as well as using me so easily without a glimmer of shame or remorse for doing so.

And the weekend got worse. I was upstairs taking a shower and she, my daughter was downstairs with her mother. She had grabbed a dirty rag from the laundry and was playing with it and chewing on it. Her mother told her to put it away and not to do that, it was nasty. She ignored the mother figure and kept at her activity.

I began walking to the stairs and stopped on the landing. Her mother pointed out that I was on my way down and she had better put the rag back and stop. As I watched her from above, I saw her sitting next to my chair chewing on this rag and ignoring her mother. She looked up, saw me and quickly went into cover up mode as I walked down the stairs. She threw the rag by the chair and began feebly trying to cover it up with a dog leash. Once she had applied what she thought was ample coverage from the leash, she got up and ran toward me speaking tenderly and cutely as the little girl we all know she is saying “Hi daddy!” As if to say, “Why hello Father. I didn’t know you were here. When did you arrive? You didn’t happen to see my former activity did you? If so it wasn’t me. And if it was, I was probably nudged into doing whatever it was you know?”

My daughter the liar.

You better jump in and not miss the boat...the river moves fast and...

You might not get to be part of it one day.

Today was a good day. I got up late because I have been on an odd cycle of staying up too late and for some reason I get into a euphoric state by the time I can relax and go to sleep. Then I fall asleep on the couch. Anyway, that’s nothing to do with why I write today.

I write today because I had a great time with my wife and daughter today: especially with my wife. I took her to a Christmas store that is only open on the weekends and it is the first weekend of the store being open. We saw some things that were cute but nothing struck either of us. They also had Halloween stuff which was cool as well and we obviously had the same reaction to this part of the store as we left with nothing.

But through the day as we looked at more seasonal items, I found some cookie cutters for Halloween so I could make my daughter and I some sugar cookies. And as each aisle came up, I remembered, and in some cases thanks to my wonderful wife, how much I love Halloween. And then she further reminded me about how I hated fall and the holidays when I first met her. I have a totally different take on things now though.

I love the time. The movies, the food, the smells and the sights. I am eager now to start watching the horror movies for Halloween. I have many in mind and own most of them.

I cant wait for Christmas to see my daughter finally take hold of the holiday and start experiencing it for what it is. The family atmosphere and the love she already receives each day will be there but it will be touched and canvassed by the sounds, sights and smells of the season.

So we came home from a great day of just being together and had a good dinner. I look forward to the rest of the weekend and the good things to continue to happen.

My family is truly awesome and my wife has given me a wonderful world that allows me to enjoy the best things in life every day and all I have to do is wake up and step into the river. Just float a long some time and experience the true joy of life and see where it takes you. Your soul will be ten years younger for one trip down I promise.

Pondering Pro Sports

I am having a hard time with pro sports lately. I stopped watching a few years back because of all the greed that went on. Somewhere along the way, mid eighties maybe, all the athletes stopped playing because they liked it and started playing for money even more. And this week when one of my favorite baseball players got traded from my favorite baseball team, it soured my want to watch the rest of the season. It was actually the nail in the coffin for this season as they are sliding further and further away from the playoffs.

I hear fans speak and wonder about why they don’t see the kind of plays they used to like Ahmad Rashad flipping through the air and bobbling a catch as he falls to the ground over an Oakland defensive back, or Lynn Swann jumping high in the air and taking a ball away from a Dallas back.

I attribute this phenomenon to greed. They don’t play for love of the game anymore. Not as many athletes anyway. I mean yes, they deserve to be paid well for punishing their bodies the way they do for our enjoyment and entertainment, but come on, the salary system sucks for this arena. Let me provide a comparison and explain how greatness still comes into play in professional sports yet the fans don’t carry the price for that excitement.

Golf.

In Golf, the pros play for a purse. The better you do the more money you get. There’s no salary. And if you don’t do well enough for the year, you go back to the qualification tours to get another shot at the pro tour. You want to make more money, by all means, sign some endorsements and get sponsors. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I would love to see the NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB move to that kind of a pay structure. Pay the athletes a salary commensurate by position and what is expected of that position only. Then have a purse for each game sponsored by different companies as they do in golf. Next, playoffs; provide more incentive in player contracts for playoff and super bowl performance as well as participation and wins. Then let them get their own contracts for endorsements.

This would undoubtedly drive fan costs down increasing attendance and still making money for the teams and owners while driving up profits and endorsement monies while in the end driving for true athletes to perform at their best and give us the show we have missed for so long.

I watched the Players Championship this year, the Open and the Masters and they were all so exciting and good it was amazing. Even my wife who I know is bored to tears by Golf on TV was commenting and watching the Masters as the greatest players in the game today fought it out to the end. Lead changes over and over and down to a three way tie with a wonderful golfer comeback story for Angel Cabrera. Just a great exciting finish. And what is so cool, if I had wanted to see it in person, it would have cost me about $20.00 and I would have been able to walk the course and watch Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, Angel Cabrera and many, many others within ARMS REACH. And guess what, they aren’t but holes about their fans either. They talk to you and sign autographs much easier and are much more personable. They set up more funds and help more people out just because they want to, and not because a team corporate office wants to improve its image. They give back and think more of the common man than any other athlete.

So imagine setting down to watch a football game, and you begin seeing the plays like old times. Dan Fouts to Kellen Winslow in a triple over time playoff game where players are carried off due to fatigue of trying to just win one game and every play was their best effort. Not the best they decide to put out because there contract says once they hit 1000 yards they get a bonus, but because they love what they do and they do it well.

There were many more outstanding and wonderful athletes, moments, games and feats because they weren’t paid more than doctors and lawyers.

We have a few athletes now that definitely play to that level and do it relentlessly but they are very few that have the character to play that way and not be greedy. I definitely enjoy watching them and seeing them do well. But I still often think, how well would they play if it were just because they wanted to play. Imagine a whole team with Peyton Manning at Quarterback, Mat Forte at RB, Brandon Jacobs at Full Back, Larry Fitzgerald at WR, and Marvin Harrison on the other side. All these guys just playing. The talent that we would see in action and the drive would be awesome.

But we’re stuck with paying exorbitant amounts just to see a game on TV if it isn’t in our viewing area and tickets to some games are now at $120.00 a piece!

Something has to be done but I doubt an overhaul of that nature will never be acceptable and the corporate entity has let it all go too far and we will always have the greed outwin the talent and our teams will always be uneven and lopsided depending on the bank books and the smartest CPA’s.

Just me thinking and wishing.

Purple Rain...Budgets and You

I was working on budgets for work, it’s that time of year again. I got great news about a friend I used to work closely with and how he is moving to the Chicago area. That really makes me happy. Then as I listened to my play-list on here, Purple Rain comes on. I don’t know why but my mind is drifting to my family a lot these days. I miss my mother a lot and a lot more than I ever thought I would.

My wife spoke about my brother and sisters the other day and it got me to thinking, why are they so stupid and why did they go the route they did. I tried to work with them and love them and they allowed the world to get in the way. It’s very sad that the things they chose they feel are more important than their family. I can never fathom having something that I love more than my family: Something that would keep me from them or make them think they were better off not being around me.

My first two children knew them and got to experience some life with them before they went too far. They did enjoy the time they got with them but miss them as well. They don’t remember my mother much. And now I have a new daughter and a wonderful wife that never knew any of them. A whole family that they will never get to experience the joy and love they had to offer. It saddens me. And I sit and get this way at times and always when Purple Rain comes on I get the feeling Momma is talking to me and saying it’s all right.

For those that don’t know, Purple Rain was my mother’s favorite song and she had it played at her funeral. It was a hard time to get it played as many family members, you know the ones, they come around when someone dies and try to act like they know best about a person they interacted with once a year at best. I got it played. And it caused so many to experience what my Mom was about. Even in her death she told everyone she only wanted to see everyone happy and laughing. She didn’t want to cause any problems and just wanted to experience life with the people she loved. So I hear that song and it reminds me how she lived. Her life was shortened because of it I am certain, but I also feel her near when it comes on.

So I work on my budget and muddle through trying not to cry while I am at work. I think of my daughter and how she clings to me when she needs comfort and how she looks at me to make sure I am okay. She pats me on the shoulder and lays her head on it as she hugs me. And I can feel at times it’s not for her benefit as much as it is for mine like she can sense me thinking something that upsets me.

Now I don’t want to sound melodramatic or bipolar: I’m not sitting around drumming up sadness and thinking all depressed all the time. Just occasionally I see my daughter playing and think, my mother never got to see her. And here I have three living extensions of my mother and they can’t either. And I wont even begin to comment on my father’s side and how that is strained. Either way, there are many people that will never benefit from the love my daughter has to offer. But that just means more for me!

Back to work. Back to life and remembering as I try not to make the same mistakes my mother did but make the same good decisions. My family will miss me for not being around, not for the things I missed out on with them.

Remembering Momma

Sat up tonight and found a bunch of new songs that remind me of my childhood and my mother. All the different tastes and sounds I got from her.

I miss you Momma. I know make mistakes every now and then but I hope I make you proud. I hope I do the things you taught me: the things a man is supposed to do for his family. I hope I give at least half the love you gave me.

Every time I hear Purple Rain or Comfortably Numb, I know you’re watching.

All your grand babies are growing up. You have the new one we introduced you too before we left Tennessee. You seemed happy with her and my new wife. I don’t know how any of this stuff works in the world but when I cant be there for them, please step in and take care of them like you did me.

Homage to my Daughter and the Change in the man I am

Today my daughter made me cry again. I had an email I had to work on and send out before Monday. I had forgotten to do it at the office so I figured after dinner I can do while everyone is winding down and doing their own thing. My daughter, a beautiful little two year old, has been very clingy with me lately and I am loving every minute. She doesn’t fuss at me as much anymore when she doesn’t get her way. But she can still be a pill when she wants to. But recently, she has definitely been much better and actually I think adorable.

Everyday she does something different that makes me smile and feel so proud of her. She has been picking up words and phrases all the time. The White Sox phrase mentioned in an earlier post is just one of the many. Her mother has taught her to say Go White Sox! And Peyton Manning! She is really turning loose on the vocabulary. She isn’t just saying the phrases either she is understanding what they are and pointing them out to us. So I don’t want to miss any opportunity of hearing her discover and tell us what it is she is saying or thinking.

So today, I sat in the floor with my laptop working on my email when she sidled over to check out my screen as she usually does. Most of the time I am playing some game that has animals in it and she likes to watch them move. Of course since this is work, she wouldn’t see that.

She quietly sat by me for a little while relaxing while I typed away. I normally hold her on my lap at night to go to sleep if she doesn’t feel like fighting sleep anyway. When she does that, she usually rotates between Mom and me.

So today she is sitting next to me and I am working and I look down and saw her laying there next to me in the floor so sweet. She was just watching me and being the best little girl and waiting for me.

This isn’t much for someone to be looking on and see but let me explain my mindset. I have a few problems. My first two children I definitely spent too much time away and at work. They grew up well and were in no way neglected but there are things I wish I had been there for and things I wish I had done. So many things I feel I could have handled better and not been such an ass. I could have been to them what I am to my baby.

One of my problems is I am older and I cherish things more now as well as understand them so much better. So when I see her wanting me or needing me, I cant let myself hesitate or put her off. I don’t want to miss anything this time.

I see her laying there in the floor beside me being so still and not bothering Daddy and being a good girl and I just had to cry. She was being so good to not disturb me and I felt so selfish and little for her having the feeling that she couldn’t be with her Daddy when she wanted. It hurt my heart to think of her wanting to be with me, so close there and she couldn’t do what she wanted.

I got up and sat in my chair and asked her if she wanted to sit with me and she got up immediately and started babbling about sitting with daddy and watching the football game. She got in my lap and lay with her head on my chest and relaxed till she went to sleep. I kissed her head a hundred times and rubbed her arm as she lay there with me. There is no way I could allow myself to let anything come between what she wanted and what I could give her. An email can wait. I’ll be up later when she’s asleep. It can wait.

I watched her sleep in my arms for a bit and saw her cute little face as it lay there eyes closed and mouth all pursed in thought, and thought to myself, one day she will need me and I’m not going to be there. I am older and with my family’s health history I am trying to do better so I can be around longer but I don’t know for sure. I do know that there will come a day when I am not here, and my baby will be needing me just like I needed my mother and I won’t be there. That hurts me inside so badly so when I see a moment where I can wrap her up in a bundle and set her on my lap and let her just enjoy the simplest pleasure of being with her daddy I am taking it!

It hurt to think this way; it was painful but I have to let the truth reside and understand it. I have to know these things, but keep them from her so she can get through them when the times come.

My baby is getting older and one day she won’t want to sit on my lap. She won’t want that long hug and snuggling like she does now. But what will be more painful to me is knowing that one day, I won’t be here when she does want that kind of comfort. So I elate every time I grab her in my arms.

I truly believe this little girl is loved more than anyone has ever been loved in my family ever. I can’t imagine or know that my mother, grandmother or other relation every thought this way about me or anyone of my relatives. I don’t recall feeling this strong of a tug from them as this baby has to know is coming from me.

I have had dreams of my oldest son that irk me and keep me in pain for some time. I have often talked about it with them and with my wife. How he is standing on the edge of a stormy lake, the wind blowing cold and he has his hands in his pockets trying to keep warm. And I get the sense that he is all alone. I am not in the world anymore and he has no one to turn to for support. He is looking out across the lake with such a cold despairing look in his eye as if nothing matters anymore. I can feel the pain and abandoned feeling he exudes as he stands there and the waves crash on the shore. I want to tell him he’s wrong and everything will be fine but he doesn’t know I am around him. He just stares and contemplates the waves in the cold all alone. My soul sinks when I dream this dream and if I ever apply it to the other children it still makes me cry and want to do better for them than I did before.

My baby is asleep now. And no doubt she will do something annoying that will wake me up but I love her so much. Aggravating at times, annoying, pill, hussy, whatever you want to call her. She’s mine and she’s wonderful. I want to be all things to her that I can while I can so she will have wonderful memories of our time together. I want her to have such memories that when I am not here to provide that comfort she wants, she can close her eyes and remember when I did. She can close her eyes and say my name and know my love is with her forever no matter what she does or who she becomes.

I love you my little girl. Those words mean nothing compared to the emotion they feebly attempt to describe and I know from conversations with your mother I am not the only one. You changed this man drastically from the heel he was before. Maybe that was your lot in life to make me bearable and learn how to love the right way.

Thank you to my wonderful wife for bringing her in the world to us. You went through so much to do it and I hope you feel as I do that it was worth everything we went through.

Traffic, White Sox and Life

Travel and Chicago
Well, let me just say that Chicago has continued to surprise me. I knew moving here that traffic would be bad. I have lived and visited many places where traffic is bad. I mean I have been to San Diego, San Jose, San Francisco, San Antonio (And many other San areas) as well as St. Louis, Detroit, Tulsa, Dallas, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and even new York and London, England: But I can honestly say with authority that the traffic to and from Chicago yesterday was the worst I have ever experienced in my life anywhere in the world.

I trekked out yesterday to see a White Sox game with my son and some coworkers. Love the White Sox and I always have. So it was great that I could go see a day game in the middle of the week during a series they should win too. We left and after only 15 minutes of traveling, we ran into our first traffic jam. Now it is the middle of the week and middle of the day. Traffic should not be that bad. I use my GPS and get a detour, which takes us a little less time than it would have sitting in the traffic. In addition, we were moving so the wind was a nice feeling with no AC in my truck.

After the game traffic conditions were even worse. After I had talked to a few friends there, I discovered it was just a weird traffic day. All routes into the city were jammed packed. No wrecks really to speak of, no construction hogging up lanes and the weather, yeah it got nasty but that was well after the traffic nastiness.

Every route into and out of the city was just bogged down. Movement was less than fifteen MPH and it was starting to get humid with storms pushing into the area. We had the windows up most of the way, no AC and just humid air blowing on us. Miserable conditions inside that truck let me tell you. A mobile rain forest is all I can use to compare the experience.

I want a Discovery channel episode on why these traffic phenomena occur. How can we be driving along so slow we barely move then all of a sudden it all opens up and there is nothing in the way causing the jam? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!

The traffic problem was so bad; by the time I had made it home, I forgot most of the game. It felt like it was last month or something and I could just remember a few things. I was so focused on the annoyance and wonderment of the traffic I felt like I was at the stadium for a sit down and left. I mean the amount of time I spent driving is what it takes to drive from Knoxville to Nashville and I was only thirty miles away from home. Wow!

The Game
Now we got to the game a little late of course. Missed the first home run that made it 1 nothing Sox, but that’s okay. We had great seats as they were just right of the 3rd base line fowl pole: right in territory where we could get a ball. As a matter of fact, every home run came within a few rows of us except one. We had a couple of fouls come in on us as well. One went to the upper tier and bounced back down and landed two rows away. So all in all the game was a very cool game to see.

Now a couple of things I love to do when I am out is watch people and interact to some degree. One has to be careful with this one especially in a large metropolitan area. So at the game I met this very nice older lady and her husband. I would say they were well into their eighties. She had brought an umbrella for the sun as it was hot when the game first started. Her husband was holding it for her the entire time too. The sweetest thing I had seen in a long time.

I sat down next to her and she greeted me very politely “Good afternoon sir. Wonderful day for a ball game isn’t it?”

I have to tell you that was such a refreshing welcome from the current standard of just sitting next to someone and never interacting. And I tend to get along with the elderly much better. I always have. When I was a teenager, I and a few of my friends spent most of our time with adults. We wanted to learn how to do things and why things were the way they were and hear the stories about how things used to be. It was fascinating and still is.

I love to sit and talk and hear stories of what older folks did when they were young. How they worked, went to school and played. These are some of the best indicators of how life has changed and how we rely on different things. How we have evolved and become who we are based on tools and technology.

So this game was a perfect example. I had sat down aggravated and sweaty from the drive and not ready to enjoy the game as much as I thought. I had already missed half of the first inning and the first home run so I was sour. But then this sweet old lady and her husband speak to me with the kindness and welcoming attitude I have missed so long from my childhood.

I responded back “It is a truly wonderful day for a baseball game. And hopefully this will be a good one and we win too.” I responded that way immediately even though just seconds before I was a grouch. My mood lifted that much.

As we sat there I expected more conversation however, this lady was up on her ball game. She knew the rules and the atmosphere and definitely kept up with the standings. She called out names and chastised the pitcher when he threw what she thought was the wrong pitch. She praised the batters that stood in and played admirably and chastised the ones that didn’t pay attention. I tell you I could have had this woman sit and watch a game with me any time anywhere. She believes in the old way of baseball, having respect for your opponent, playing hard and smart, paying attention and doing what’s right. It was so good to see.

At one point she got up to go to the restroom. She folded her umbrella and handed it to her husband to watch while she was gone. She was gone for half an inning. I looked over at the man and asked is he wanted me to go check on her and right then she began to walk down the deck. He thanked me and began to open the umbrella.

She sat down and told him to put it away since the clouds were coming in. She was afraid she was going to poke me in the eye with one of the ribs.

I made sure she knew she was fine to keep her umbrella up all she wanted. I used it as a marker for my wife to see if she could spot us on TV anyway. It was the only umbrella in the place.

After she sat down, she looked at the score board and saw the White Sox hit another home run and said, “I should go more often when we bat, we might win this thing.”

I said, “Yes ma’am, but when you left they hit one too so that might not work out so well.”

She laughed at me and patted my leg and her husband was laughing too. I could have sat all day with them and watched this game and talked. They were so nice. And to see the two of them, dressed up so neatly, sharing something with each other that was such a stressful event for me to go to being at least half there age, made me ashamed I had thought the way I did about my travel to the park.

The game was a half inning out of being done by now. The Royals were getting ready for their last at bat and the Sox changed pitchers to their best closer. The music came on and as I looked around the stadium, I could see many people had left since the deficit was pretty much insurmountable for this Kansas City team. However, get into a bad pitch rotation and you got a tie game.

So Jenks comes out to pitch, gets to a 3-2 count and my new friends are chastising away. “Come on now, you throw better than that! Throw one f those pretty ones that drops right when he swings at it!”

I said, “You mean a sinker?”
“That’s it. Throw that sinker and set him down!”

He does just that and the batter strikes out. They are now playing this song I can’t remember the name of but says BOOM BOOM in it. It’s metal song and I look a few rows down and see this little boy with a sox short on, he may be 5 years old. He has his glove and he’s doing the Metal hand sign up in the air to the beat as Jenks pitches. Everyone is standing and you can see his dad laughing with him and patting him on the head while he throws his hand in the air in support. It made me think of my little girl and how she is just now beginning to speak well. One of the things she says is White Sox. She can spot the symbol and point it out and Mom taught her to say Go White Sox yesterday while they watched the game at home. Then one day, maybe I’ll have another son I can take to the park and watch his eyes light up when he sees that grass for the first time and the immense proportions of the outfield as that little ball gets smashed into the air at a young tanned man that has the privilege to play a game for a living. Such are the thoughts that conjure up to dreams as you watch people and EXPERIENCE a ball game, not just watch it.

Now back to the game: Jenks gets out of the inning and the White Sox win.

My friends say good bye as they depart toward the deck and we wait for the crowd to thin so we could leave.

I will not dwell on the traffic situation anymore. I wrote about that debacle in the first section so it could only e referred to. It is now a memory and a bad one that almost ruined my good memories of home runs within reach and a glimpse of the goodness of the past when strangers could sit at a ball park and be united as one in thought, presence and conversation over such a simple subject as baseball.

If I am privileged enough to live to that age and be near something I love as much as they loved sharing that baseball experience with this stranger, I want to give the same experience and feeling of welcome to someone that chooses to interact with me. That lady reminded me that we all have something to give and sometimes it costs nothing.

Storms About Town...

I was sitting watching TV yesterday and a storm is blowing in to the neighborhood. It was getting dark, the wind was blowing and off in the distance I could hear thunder rolling. The thunder got louder as it approached and I could tell this was going to be a good one.

As I sat there and the storm got closer, a loud clap of thunder roared just above our house. The walls shook and the scared dogs ran into the small rooms of the house as if it would protect them further from harm. Relaxing now since I like storms, I began to lull in my chair and drift off to a nap. I had finished my paper, the house was quiet and with a thunderstorm was in the area: I was thinking “What a perfect Sunday.” CRACK! The walls shook again, a clap of thunder roared through the house and the TV popped and blinked as did the lights. Our house had been hit by lightning.

I looked at the TV and it had been reduced to the RGB colors that make it a color TV set: The only problem was it was green in the right corner, blue in the left and red on the bottom. Then the middle was a purple color I had only seen in a MS Windows color scheme called eggplant.

I turned the TV off as I sat sad now knowing I would have to watch the small TV from the bedroom since this one was fried. I let the TV sit and relax for awhile while I checked out the rest of the house. All but upstairs seemed fine. I had not checked upstairs because the baby and my wife were asleep in a nap.

I turned the TV back on and it was actually repaired. The lights had gone back to normal and the set was working fine again. I was very pleased. One reason was we do not have the money to shell out for another TV right now. Moreover, the other was this TV has been active since around 1996 and has been through so much already and weathered well. It is still a great TV set.

So later while I was upstairs, I turned on the TV and it was in the same condition as the other one was. The RGB was burned out on it. This one however, is a newer set but much cheaper so I am fearful it may be on the road to the electronic nether world. It still works but it is a headache to watch. We’ll let it rest and see if it clears up on its own.

MORE FUN
This week I have box seats to see the White Sox play. That will be fun. Then on Sunday, we have seats near the patio to watch them and get some free food too. That will be a lot of fun!

THE BABY
My little girl is starting to show off her smarts. She has basically sat dormant and quietly absorbed so much information from either conversations with us or watching her favorite TV shows. We have been doing flash cards with her and she knows almost all of them. For the most part, the ones she misses are a little misleading in the way they are drawn and they definitely look like other objects than the ones she is supposed to be naming but she is still getting a large vocabulary.

That got me to thinking about my language. The last thing I want my little girl to be doing in pre-school is cursing at the teacher. I need to reel in my language and be more observant of her recognition of vocabulary so it increases with appropriate speak and not colorful metaphors.

CELEBRATION
My wife’s birthday was this past week and we have been a bit on the broke side. I only gave her a card for her birthday and she graciously let me cook some stuff for her, which she ate despite taste being the blessed woman she is. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up soon so I hope I can make it up to her.

WEATHER AND SADNESS
I watched a show last night on Discovery called Raging Planet. They covered Floods, Hurricanes and lightning. During the flood show, they talked of the Storm Surge from Katrina and this man told a story about how he was on top of his house during the first hours of the surge with his granddaughters. The youngest was three years old. The surge lifted the house from its foundation and floated it down the street into a tree. The jar was so hard that it knocked the three year old into the surge and she was gone.

Now first, I was crying because this poor little girl suffered a horrible death in the black water in the middle of the night. Then I felt anger swell up in me in that this little girl was trusting her grandfather, who was not that old, to care for her and protect her. My first question is Why did you stay?! If you want to stay and be stupid that’s fine. Kill yourself. But those kids did not deserve that because you didn’t want to go. That baby is dead because YOU didn’t do what you should have as an adult, a guardian a GRANDFATHER!

I thought of how I would feel if I saw KB fall into the water like that. I’m going in after her and I am dying with her in my arms before I ever let her just get sucked into the darkness like that and then sit coldly on a documentary and say she feel off the house into the water and she was gone and not shed a tear. The man didn’t even look like he cared!

Why was the baby there? Why didn’t you leave and get those kids somewhere safe? It’s not right. And I don’t want to hear about how hard it was to get out. This man knew when and what was coming and he stayed. Now a three year old little baby never gets to experience what its like to long for summer break during a boring class at school. She doesn’t get to have her first kiss from a boy or taste her first cotton candy at a fair. She doesn’t get to look up at her Grandfather and say thank you for taking me away during the storm. She had that chance taken from her by someone who didn’t want to leave.

I cried last night and I cry right now as I sit here thinking about it. All the children that this story embodies from such tragedies. The little smiles and experiences they shared are now just memories of a child that never grew up and never shared the joys and sadness of life with the people they love as one is supposed to.

Back to work. I need to shake this off and love my daughters and sons.

Townhalls and the Village Idiots

I am having a problem now with the current political climate. First off let it be known, yes I voted for Obama and I have no qualms about it and I do not regret it in anyway. That said, I want to say that there are problems in this country that need to be in the forefront and have action taken on them. I trust my political leaders to do what’s right, and prioritize and spend as needed to accomplish these goals.

Now, that said, I know that doesn’t always happen but I first refuse to believe that the majority of these people are in office for self gain only and do not have the intent to serve the people as their job entails. I truly believe most of them are their for the right reasons and are trying to do the best they can and things get in the way that slows or deters progress regardless of party aim.

Now with THAT said my dismay and discomfort with the current political climate is this. Why is it the news teams are presenting the freaks and morons instead of the people who can speak to the valid concerns of the country and receive answers. I just allowed about three minutes of my life to be taken while I watched an old codger run his mouth about nothing coherent for that timeframe. It was on MSNBC under the link of Obama Breaks Oath. So my curiosity was piqued and I figured, even though I don’t agree, I want to hear what this man has to say and see if there is any validity to it.

The man rambled and never came up with a worthy answer for anything. He was asked repeatedly by the anchor, “What was your problem you wanted to raise with Sen. Specter? “
Man, “I was lied to.”
How?
“I called his office and gave an assistant all the things I wanted to discuss. I said discuss, not ask questions about. Discuss.” (As if this matters.) “And they said for me to go to the town hall and I could raise my concerns.”
“And did you?”
“No I got threw out.”
“Why?”
“They want me to shut up.”
“What are your concerns?”
He rambles on for a few minutes and the News Anchor pulls him back in when he claims Obama broke his oath. “How do you feel he broke his oath sir?”
“31 ways.”
“31 ways huh? What are your top 3 ways he broke the oath?”
“Man rambles for a bit. Says he is lied to and doesn’t trust Obama. No reasons yet mind you.”
“Sir, what is the top reason then? Your number one reason.”
“Well, he I don’t trust him. He broke his oath.”
“Okay, we get that. You don’t trust him and he broke his oath. How did he break his oath? What is your #1 reason that you say he broke his oath?”
“He took the oath twice. I don’t trust him, Pelosi, any of them.”
Okay, at this point, I’m done, no need to watch anymore. This guy is rambling a like an idiot and running off at the mouth and never gets to a point and just blathers. No wonder he got thrown out of the town hall. I mean, you’re given the platform on national TV and asked, why do you feel this way? And the best you can come up with is I don’t trust him. He took the oath of office twice and I’m mad.

What crap. No wonder we cant be heard with morons like this running around!

My opinion is this, politicians are…well politicians. ACCEPT IT! You will be lied to but they are trying to do things. State your concerns, raise your ideas, put them on notice they will be replaced if they don’t represent you appropriately but say it with some intelligence. You don’t have to be a great orator to do this. Say it plainly and in no uncertain terms and move on!

The sooner we as a country lose partisan politics, the faster Congress and the political machine can not USE partisan politics.

I vote my conscious and my ideals, not my party line. I go with the person I think will do the best job to unite and work together to do the best for the country. I in no way think one man can come into that scapegoat role and save the country. There are too many interworkings and processes that one man can do it all and to put that on a man s shoulders is ridiculous and you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. See that is what we call a monarchy or dictatorship when one man has that kind of power. We left that and don’t want that. Don’t vote that way.

So anyway, my main point, media folks, stop airing the idiots for ratings and start airing the things that matter so we can be informed or we will replace you as well.

Working and The BBLCT Creation

After being at work all day, it was noon before I looked up and realized how late it was. Through meetings and diligence, I just blazed right by the hours and was enjoying all the work being accomplished. Status was being emitted from my office, assignments made, deliverables being met, questions being answered and accomplishments being met well ahead of guidelines. Overall, it has been a good workday.

Taking my normal breaks as I listen in on conference calls, I have been able to jot down thoughts for the blog, work on my farm in Farmville, meet a new manager that was just hired this week for our office and still check out the news both here and in my former home in Tennessee.

One of the thoughts I had today was about dinner tonight. My wife and I went to see Julie and Julia Sunday and it was great. It got me to thinking about different ways to cook and getting my confidence back in it. Listen at me I am just no confidence man about everything I do lately. Man! Guitar, drawing, cooking…what’s next?

As I left this morning, my wonderful wife asked me as usual, what I had in mind for dinner. Of course, I usually do not have a clue and honestly will most days eat whatever she fixes as long as it is not asparagus or anchovies. However today, I developed a flavor for a BLT. I just remembered one time when we had BLT’s and she fixed them on some real nice bread. Just so flavorful and filling for some reason, and all of a sudden, it hit me that way again and I wanted those BLT’s.

After I got to work and had my first meeting I got to thinking, I have an idea that may make that BLT even better, to me anyway. As I relate this thought to you, I apologize if it makes you hungry. If however it makes you gag, I say go to a doctor immediately and find out why the taste buds of your mind’s eye are not functioning properly. Just kidding, if you do not like it you do not like it but it sounds yummy to me.

The process is this, fry the bacon to a crisp but not too crispy. You will have to put it back in the skillet here soon for some other preparation. As it fries, lightly add pepper, garlic powder and a little cayenne pepper. Set aside to drain. Now slice the French bread on the bias about an inch thick. Lay on however much mayonnaise or salad dressing you wish. Myself I plan on a small swipe of Miracle Whip on each piece: Add some nice pieces of dark lettuce, not iceberg, leaf lettuce of some kind.

Back to the bacon: Lay four slices of bacon back in the skillet and right next to each other forming a bacon raft of sorts. Now lay cheddar cheese over the bacon leaving about a quarter inch of bacon visible on each end. Now sprinkle some blue cheese on top of the cheddar so it melts with the cheddar as it lies in the skillet. Keep it there until the cheese mixes and melts nicely. Pick it up with a spatula and lay it on the bottom piece of bread.

Lay some thick fresh tomatoes down on the bacon and cheese patty you created. Now take some sliced red onion rings on the sandwich. Lightly pepper the sandwich with some fresh cracked pepper. Now put the top on. Awesome! Grab a bowl of tomato soup to enjoy with it and just say yum.

If this works out for me tonight the way it seems to taste in my head, my next twist will be to fry the bread in butter first on one side only and assemble the sandwich as above. Wow, I am hungry.

Anyway, that has had me occupied today, as has work.

Well, on to the next mind occupier for me. Maybe I will not be so tired to play my guitar tonight. We will see.

I will provide some better thought to hold your attention tomorrow, as I do not feel the general audience is as excited about my sandwich as I am. But that’s okay, it’s my sandwich not yours. I call it the BBLCT (Phonetically it’s a Blacht! But tastes better than it sounds. HA!)

So see ya later!

Saturday Ramblings

Last two days have been fairly uneventful. Work has been work, home has been relaxing as it should be and other than the normal financial woes, all is well in the world with our family.

I played a little last night and thoroughly impressed myself. I can still play decently. I believe if I start back by beginning with a few exercises and scales, then play say three or four songs from memory, I will build more confidence in my playing and start learning again.

My goal is to get to a point I feel comfortable playing in front of people again. Right now I feel like I have too many mistakes in my technique and have no feeling since I am trying so hard to be correct and not just feel the music. Music is way better when someone is feeling what they are playing instead of thinking, “Okay, Myxolidian into Dorian. A major 7th from the 5th into the change up.” To me that’s just too clinical to sound good and really isn’t music. So last night was a major uplift to me and I look forward to the progress.

I got on Facebook recently just to be on there with my wife really. But I got to finding people from work and found it a great way to get to know my employees as well as others I interfaced with in my new role. And recently, I stumbled onto my best friend from High School whom I haven’t talked to in years, a whole other story as to why later. I began to see names and faces of people I hadn’t remembered and stories flooded back of the stupid stuff we all do as teen-agers and all the good times as well as the stupid times. I mean I am not in a mid-life crisis or anything. It is just interesting to see how they turned out and what they are doing. Just reading a status update and seeing a few pictures of their life is nice and settling.

Because of this, I no longer feel as if I slid out of sight and they feel to ocean of people in the world and we all just faded away. To me this proves that we all want the same thing regardless of how dumb we were in school. We want to prosper and enjoy life but more importantly, we want to be remembered and leave a legacy. We want to teach the next generation about what we learned and what our parents taught us, right and wrong, good or bad. We want to improve the world even if it is just our block that one smidgen and when we go, the world or that one little smidgen of a block can say that person touched my family in this one small way. And they remembered it and it in some small manner improved something for a short time and some people were happier or better for it.

I think I can leave this world and know I did that more than once. I’m not bragging. I am just satisfied. However I am greedy. I want more and I want it for a long time. I want to keep impacting my children and see them grew as I did and enjoy life and each other and not let circumstances ruin or jade their perspective of things.

So now live the example, live life fun, enjoy everything and endure everything else. Do not let the situation control you. When a defining moment comes along, you define the moment, or the moment defines you. And I want to be proud of the definition.