"While My Guitar Gently Weeps..."

As I sat there I thought, “Why did I stop playing?” I tell myself at times it was because I just don’t want to fool with the setup and the getting ready to play. It was all such a laborious affair. Pull out the amp, plug in the amp, pull out the guitar, plug in the guitar, decide on what music to play with, and that’s where I usually stalled. I would go through the music and think, “I want to play this song.” Then I would start thinking about how as soon as I am finished with that I will have to change music and play something else or I’ll get bored and then that starts me down a path of thinking it is just too laborious to play.

Then I would also think, well, the baby needs attention and I shouldn’t be selfish. Or my family deserves attention too and I shouldn’t be selfish. Then I would think, “Why am I playing if I am not going to go out and play anywhere? What’s it for?”

I would think there were so many other things I could/should be doing instead of this that I would feel guilty.

Last night I saw comments from friends on Facebook about their playing and the desires they have and it was similar to the way I used to feel about music. I used to get excited about my playing: Not just if I were good but excited because I was playing: Just because I was playing. Why don’t I feel that way anymore? Why shouldn’t I be excited to just sit down and play my guitar for myself? I love the way it feels, I love the way it sounds, I like watching my hands make formations and hearing the wonderful sound emanate from the sound hole or amplifier. I like hearing how close I can get the sound to another musician’s sound and hearing the tones all blend magically together to fill up a room and take it over commanding attention from whomever is present whether it be good or bad music. (And by that I mean the music, not me commanding attention.)

So, I like all there is about playing music and I am still not playing as much as I should. I started when I was twelve years old and learned all on my own, the driver being I wanted to learn more. Every time I learned something I was looking for the next thing to learn, technique, sounds, a song, scales, trends and tricks, anything: But now, I only play and go through the motions.

One reason is I get frustrated. Due to my inactivity, I don’t play as well as I used to and I try to play technically difficult songs that I cant really play as well anymore and I get frustrated. I will hit a spot that is critical for the movement of the piece and I miff it and get angry with myself. And if it is a piece that I feel is inferior to my previous skill level (the level I think I am at and was previously but not now) I get extremely frustrated.

I have made the decision to play more and practice. Even if it is only sitting and strumming through and doing exercises for thirty minutes I will do it. I need to. I worked too hard to learn it all to just let it go. Not to mention that it is very relaxing when one just sits and plays for your own relaxation. I also have found there are a few folks around town that work with my company that play and play similar music. I may be able to play in a band again.

My thoughts on a band have changed drastically from my youth. I used to think it was about getting things perfect and doing it so that if that one chance popped open for us to get signed, we were ready. Since growing older and understanding what music really means to me, I am glad I never had that opportunity. I don’t think I would like music as much if I had been a professional. I had opportunities and for whatever reason I missed them through mistakes and misunderstanding. I think it was for a reason.

My age has showed me that just playing music with a few people of the same mindset and sharing it with an audience at times is very fulfilling and liberating. To walk away from a stage or platform and see someone, either drunk or sober, happy because you gave them a memory that makes them feel good is such a wonderful feeling. And music does that. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be good. Just seeing an artist have fun and fumble through a song with a group of people a constant smile on the whole time and not worried about their scuffs and gaffes is truly liberating and elating.

I want that again. The freedom to not worry about how I sound or how accurate I was in my playing. I don’t want to stink, but I don’t want to be bound by perfection either. Friedrich Nietzsche said “Without music, life would be a mistake.” I agree one hundred percent. I need to show that again.

Anyway, I am hearing the artists. As I get older my heroes die. Stevie Ray Vaughan, Jeff Healey, Randy Rhoads, Joey Ramone, et al. It is a sign of the times and my age and a sorrowing reminder of where things head. But left with their legacy and memory, a path can be forged in the same vein without fame and still have impact.

I seek that impact now and the energy and pay off that I used to get from lifting my guitar and resting it on my leg for an hour. I used to sweat when I played. I used to lose energy and feel like I expended good energy doing something productive and loving. I can again and that is my desire.

Blathering of a former musician.