Purple Rain...Budgets and You

I was working on budgets for work, it’s that time of year again. I got great news about a friend I used to work closely with and how he is moving to the Chicago area. That really makes me happy. Then as I listened to my play-list on here, Purple Rain comes on. I don’t know why but my mind is drifting to my family a lot these days. I miss my mother a lot and a lot more than I ever thought I would.

My wife spoke about my brother and sisters the other day and it got me to thinking, why are they so stupid and why did they go the route they did. I tried to work with them and love them and they allowed the world to get in the way. It’s very sad that the things they chose they feel are more important than their family. I can never fathom having something that I love more than my family: Something that would keep me from them or make them think they were better off not being around me.

My first two children knew them and got to experience some life with them before they went too far. They did enjoy the time they got with them but miss them as well. They don’t remember my mother much. And now I have a new daughter and a wonderful wife that never knew any of them. A whole family that they will never get to experience the joy and love they had to offer. It saddens me. And I sit and get this way at times and always when Purple Rain comes on I get the feeling Momma is talking to me and saying it’s all right.

For those that don’t know, Purple Rain was my mother’s favorite song and she had it played at her funeral. It was a hard time to get it played as many family members, you know the ones, they come around when someone dies and try to act like they know best about a person they interacted with once a year at best. I got it played. And it caused so many to experience what my Mom was about. Even in her death she told everyone she only wanted to see everyone happy and laughing. She didn’t want to cause any problems and just wanted to experience life with the people she loved. So I hear that song and it reminds me how she lived. Her life was shortened because of it I am certain, but I also feel her near when it comes on.

So I work on my budget and muddle through trying not to cry while I am at work. I think of my daughter and how she clings to me when she needs comfort and how she looks at me to make sure I am okay. She pats me on the shoulder and lays her head on it as she hugs me. And I can feel at times it’s not for her benefit as much as it is for mine like she can sense me thinking something that upsets me.

Now I don’t want to sound melodramatic or bipolar: I’m not sitting around drumming up sadness and thinking all depressed all the time. Just occasionally I see my daughter playing and think, my mother never got to see her. And here I have three living extensions of my mother and they can’t either. And I wont even begin to comment on my father’s side and how that is strained. Either way, there are many people that will never benefit from the love my daughter has to offer. But that just means more for me!

Back to work. Back to life and remembering as I try not to make the same mistakes my mother did but make the same good decisions. My family will miss me for not being around, not for the things I missed out on with them.