Homage to my Daughter and the Change in the man I am

Today my daughter made me cry again. I had an email I had to work on and send out before Monday. I had forgotten to do it at the office so I figured after dinner I can do while everyone is winding down and doing their own thing. My daughter, a beautiful little two year old, has been very clingy with me lately and I am loving every minute. She doesn’t fuss at me as much anymore when she doesn’t get her way. But she can still be a pill when she wants to. But recently, she has definitely been much better and actually I think adorable.

Everyday she does something different that makes me smile and feel so proud of her. She has been picking up words and phrases all the time. The White Sox phrase mentioned in an earlier post is just one of the many. Her mother has taught her to say Go White Sox! And Peyton Manning! She is really turning loose on the vocabulary. She isn’t just saying the phrases either she is understanding what they are and pointing them out to us. So I don’t want to miss any opportunity of hearing her discover and tell us what it is she is saying or thinking.

So today, I sat in the floor with my laptop working on my email when she sidled over to check out my screen as she usually does. Most of the time I am playing some game that has animals in it and she likes to watch them move. Of course since this is work, she wouldn’t see that.

She quietly sat by me for a little while relaxing while I typed away. I normally hold her on my lap at night to go to sleep if she doesn’t feel like fighting sleep anyway. When she does that, she usually rotates between Mom and me.

So today she is sitting next to me and I am working and I look down and saw her laying there next to me in the floor so sweet. She was just watching me and being the best little girl and waiting for me.

This isn’t much for someone to be looking on and see but let me explain my mindset. I have a few problems. My first two children I definitely spent too much time away and at work. They grew up well and were in no way neglected but there are things I wish I had been there for and things I wish I had done. So many things I feel I could have handled better and not been such an ass. I could have been to them what I am to my baby.

One of my problems is I am older and I cherish things more now as well as understand them so much better. So when I see her wanting me or needing me, I cant let myself hesitate or put her off. I don’t want to miss anything this time.

I see her laying there in the floor beside me being so still and not bothering Daddy and being a good girl and I just had to cry. She was being so good to not disturb me and I felt so selfish and little for her having the feeling that she couldn’t be with her Daddy when she wanted. It hurt my heart to think of her wanting to be with me, so close there and she couldn’t do what she wanted.

I got up and sat in my chair and asked her if she wanted to sit with me and she got up immediately and started babbling about sitting with daddy and watching the football game. She got in my lap and lay with her head on my chest and relaxed till she went to sleep. I kissed her head a hundred times and rubbed her arm as she lay there with me. There is no way I could allow myself to let anything come between what she wanted and what I could give her. An email can wait. I’ll be up later when she’s asleep. It can wait.

I watched her sleep in my arms for a bit and saw her cute little face as it lay there eyes closed and mouth all pursed in thought, and thought to myself, one day she will need me and I’m not going to be there. I am older and with my family’s health history I am trying to do better so I can be around longer but I don’t know for sure. I do know that there will come a day when I am not here, and my baby will be needing me just like I needed my mother and I won’t be there. That hurts me inside so badly so when I see a moment where I can wrap her up in a bundle and set her on my lap and let her just enjoy the simplest pleasure of being with her daddy I am taking it!

It hurt to think this way; it was painful but I have to let the truth reside and understand it. I have to know these things, but keep them from her so she can get through them when the times come.

My baby is getting older and one day she won’t want to sit on my lap. She won’t want that long hug and snuggling like she does now. But what will be more painful to me is knowing that one day, I won’t be here when she does want that kind of comfort. So I elate every time I grab her in my arms.

I truly believe this little girl is loved more than anyone has ever been loved in my family ever. I can’t imagine or know that my mother, grandmother or other relation every thought this way about me or anyone of my relatives. I don’t recall feeling this strong of a tug from them as this baby has to know is coming from me.

I have had dreams of my oldest son that irk me and keep me in pain for some time. I have often talked about it with them and with my wife. How he is standing on the edge of a stormy lake, the wind blowing cold and he has his hands in his pockets trying to keep warm. And I get the sense that he is all alone. I am not in the world anymore and he has no one to turn to for support. He is looking out across the lake with such a cold despairing look in his eye as if nothing matters anymore. I can feel the pain and abandoned feeling he exudes as he stands there and the waves crash on the shore. I want to tell him he’s wrong and everything will be fine but he doesn’t know I am around him. He just stares and contemplates the waves in the cold all alone. My soul sinks when I dream this dream and if I ever apply it to the other children it still makes me cry and want to do better for them than I did before.

My baby is asleep now. And no doubt she will do something annoying that will wake me up but I love her so much. Aggravating at times, annoying, pill, hussy, whatever you want to call her. She’s mine and she’s wonderful. I want to be all things to her that I can while I can so she will have wonderful memories of our time together. I want her to have such memories that when I am not here to provide that comfort she wants, she can close her eyes and remember when I did. She can close her eyes and say my name and know my love is with her forever no matter what she does or who she becomes.

I love you my little girl. Those words mean nothing compared to the emotion they feebly attempt to describe and I know from conversations with your mother I am not the only one. You changed this man drastically from the heel he was before. Maybe that was your lot in life to make me bearable and learn how to love the right way.

Thank you to my wonderful wife for bringing her in the world to us. You went through so much to do it and I hope you feel as I do that it was worth everything we went through.