I can’t believe how selfish I have been in my thinking. I have now, for quite a while thought, I wouldn’t mind another child but I wasn’t excited or driven to get one. My mind set has been I don’t mind.
Yet again I listen to that damn song by Paul Ellis and it makes me see my life differently. The World Ain’t Slowin’ Down. It’s not. I get it. But as I hear the one line, “Aren’t you the kid that climbed on the merry go round?” I start thinking of how a child comes into the world and there they are…ready to rid eon the merry go round. We guide them and teach them and hope for the best.
Then I begin to think, The World Ain’t Slowin’ Down and I am reminded of my one thought which floors me and makes me sad of how when I die, nothing will stop. Everything will just keep going on whether I am alive or not. So why am I so selfish in keeping a gorgeous child from experiencing this worked with my family?
I began to cry thinking about how that merry go round should be full that I am on. As full as I can handle and give the love they deserve. How fun is it to be on a merry go round by yourself? Exactly, it sucks. But fill that thing up with kids and people that love you and it’s a blast! I want my kids and I want more. I want them to try and fail and try and succeed at the things they do. I miss my first two kids and I hurt every time I see my youngest ask for them and where they are. But the pain is worth it if I can impact another child’s life and experience that wonderful feeling every time one of them says I love you daddy. The feeling of one of them smiling at me and hugging me means more than anything I have ever felt in the world.
Honey, give me a new baby. You can thank Paul Ellis. It wasn’t you who gave me the epiphany I know. But it is still our child I want and is what will keep me alive long after I am gone. I love you.
Love love love you.
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